Following the recent Republican primary elections, I was interested to read this headline in the Arizona Daily Star : "Arizonans liked Forbes' optimistic anti-tax message." Pausing to observe that Forbes has "won the hearts" of Arizonans, the Star quoted Dodie Londen, chairwoman of the Arizona Republican Party: "People liked the ideas he was putting forth, particularly when they could see it would affect their own pocketbooks." The mass of contradictions raised by these quotes both intrigues and terrifies me.

I turned to Webster's for some insight into certain key words used here. First I checked out "idea." Flipping resolutely past tantalizing words like "harrumph" and "imbecilic" (I love dictionaries), I found a suitable definition of "idea" in the Forbesian sense: "a groundless supposition; fantasy." Definition of "optimism" yielded: "The doctrine that the existing world is the best of all possible worlds." Let's look a little more closely at some of the groundless suppositions on which Forbes is basing the best of all possible worlds for the American people.

A 17% flat tax that exempts the first $36,000 earned by a family of four. This simplification will put extra dollars in all of our pockets, minimize red tape and allow the cutting of some of those wasteful government jobs as a result. Sounds good. Let's see, now. So those lower-level clerical workers who now process our unwieldy tax returns will be out of a job. Well, that's a good start. I'm sure they'll be delighted. Lots of jobs available elsewhere in the service sector. Most of these pay minimum wage - the country will continue to save on the maintenance of these people. Good move, Steve.

Oh, yes, and then there's investment income. Good news, guys. We don't have to pay taxes on our stock dividends anymore. What? You don't have any stocks? Oh. Neither do I. Guess that's just for the pocketbooks of Steve and his robber baron friends. Oops. Slip of the keyboard. I mean our captains of industry; cornerstones of the economy; pillars of the community. They need to get ahead. Build up America. Make things better for us as a nation. This is not to be achieved if they are constantly hampered by an unfair, progressive taxation system.

Wait. If we look at the income scale, what do we find? The top 1% in this country owns 37% of the wealth. With our present system, the more you earn, the more you pay. The surplus gets distributed for the good of the country as a whole. Sounds better for the nation to me. But unfettering the wealthy from their tax burden creates more jobs, right? The money goes into reinvestment and increased employment. It's known as the trickle-down theory. Unfortunately, it's fallacious. Profits are more likely to go into a new BMW than into business expansion. Any new jobs tend to be in the highly-paid, professional category. Those trying to start at the bottom and work their way up (as advocated by the American dream/ work ethic) need not apply.

Hmmm. Sounds like a case of the rich get richer while the poor get poorer. Social Darwinism. If you can't make it, step aside and make way for those who can. And keep your %#!* hands out of the pockets of the hard-working folks at the top.

...What's that you're saying, Steve? I can't quite hear you; the gap between us must be too wide. Oh. I'll be better off too. Equal benefits for all. Strange. I've figured it out, and my family would wind up paying more in taxes in your best possible world. Okay, maybe the middle classes will pay a little more, but everyone else will be better off - is that it? After all, it's for the overall good of the country, folks. Well, I haven't fulfilled my math requirement as yet, but € if I pay a few dollars m ore, the low income groups pay less, and the rich pay an order of magnitude less than they have been doing € doesn't this add just a little to the deficit?

With a drastically diminished tax budget available, the government will be starved of money. But a healthy country needs a balanced budget. Where to find the money? Don't all shout at once: "Cut welfare." So, as Steve and his colleagues in big business in dustriously de-industrialize, building factories in countries where employees don't need such high wages, American workers are regretfully laid off. Sorry, guys. Not enough jobs. Try the welfare system. Above all, be optimistic. It's a wonderful world. St eve Forbes says so.

Kaye Patchett is a creative writing senior. Her column appears every other Monday.

Kaye Patchett