Parents must learn to cope with gay children, speaker says

"Some people would rather die than tell their parents they are gay," said Robert Bernstein to an audience of about 25 people gathered in Modern Languages Room 350.

Bernstein, an attorney for the U.S. Department of Justice, is a former vice president of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

After his daughter Bobbie came out of the closet 10 years ago, Bernstein joined PFLAG and began giving speeches and writing editorials on behalf of gay children and their families. In his book, "Straight Families, Gay Children: Keeping Families Together," Bernstein emphasizes the importance of loving family relations as he describes how he came to terms with his daughter's homosexuality.

Citing passages from his book throughout the speech, Bernstein explained how parents must learn to cope with the difficulties of having a gay child.

"We have an old saying," he said, "When a child goes out of the closet, the parent goes in."

Bernstein said the stigma against homosexuality often causes parents to become angry and reject their gay children. He said parents need to overcome that anger and learn to be proud of their children, whether they are gay or not.

"To the extent that there is a problem with a gay kid, it is not a problem with that child," Bernstein explained. "It is a problem with society."

Bernstein's speech was the final event of Bisexual Gay and Lesbian Awareness Week, presented by the Bisexual Gay and Lesbian Association of the University of Arizona.

Throughout the week, BGALA spent nearly $4,000 sponsoring movies, speeches and performances to raise awareness of homosexual issues on the UA campus, BGALA co-director Jason Cianciotto said. He said Bernstein's speech cost the organization $2,250.

Cianciotto said the speech was an essential part of the week's activities because the struggle for acceptance is a common plight for young homosexuals.

Cianciotto said he has not seen his parents for more than two years. They threw him out of the house he admitted he is gay.

"I want to take what happened to me and help prevent this from happening to other people in my position," he said.

Cianciotto said he hopes events like Gay Awareness Week will help homosexual students feel more confident and well adjusted.

"This isn't about recruiting youth to the gay movement," Cianciotto said. "This is about ensuring a secure and supportive environment for people who are gay."

At the end of his speech, Bernstein criticized recently proposed legislation that would have banned homosexual support groups like BGALA from Arizona college campuses. He said heightened awareness of homosexual issues has stymied recent efforts to marginalize gay and lesbian groups.

"When my daughter came out the 'G' and 'L' words were not even spoken, much less voted on," Bernstein said. "But the tide is turning, it is moving in and it can't be stopped."

Overall, the audience was impressed by Bernstein's message of acceptance and family support.

Jerilyn Veldof, a UA librarian, said the speech helped break down the stereotype that homosexuals are opposed to family values.

"Coming out to family has a powerful ripple effect and it completely flies in the face of the notion that gays are anti-family," she said.

Veldof said she hopes gay awareness events like Bernstein's speech will help more children feel comfortable coming out of the closet.

Michael Cruz, a political science junior, said he was impressed by Bernstein's activism. He said many parents feel sorry for their gay children, but they rarely feel genuinely inspired to join their cause.

"I thought it was going to be a sympathetic view from a parent, but it turned out to be empathetic," Cruz said. "I am encouraged to know he is so active in supporting gay issues."