On 4:01 p.m., Monday Oct. 14, in Los Angeles, Calif., 6 lb. 9ounce Lourdes Maria was brought into this world with muchanticipation from her parents and her mother's fans.

For those of you who have been under a rock this past week, pop diva and Goddess Supreme Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone finally delivered baby Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon. The rumor overheard is that papa, Carlos Leon, didn't preach in the delivery room .

So, now that the wait is over, what is to come for the modern version of Madonna and child?

Thanks to modern technology and some resourceful sources I saw on TV (I'm talking about "master" psychics), you will soon be informed of what's to happen to Madonna, Carlos and their bouncing bundle of joy.

Now, I just didn't talk to any psychic, none in Tucson (according to my alter ego Nomi Malone, of "SHowgirls," they "don't know squat!" at least in the Blockbuster Video version). I called the grand wizards of future telling, along with my Magic 8-ball keychain.

First, I could not avoid the ever-reliable LaToya Jackson Psychic Network. I actually didn't get to talk to LaToya, she was probably doing a strip show in Paris, Tex. without the stripping.

I spoke with Aura, who has been a professional psychic for 22 years. Aura said that the baby, despite people's attitudes towards Madonna and past events, will lead a normal life, although she could only see about two years ahead. Lourdes will be very s mart and start walking and talking within the next year, Aura said.

What will be her first words? Aura didn't know. She did know though that I was paying $3.99 per minute and had been on the phonefor about 7 minutes.

For Madonna, her and Carlos will not get married, but remain "partners." Meaning they'll raise the child, as well as do what partners do: go to bars, talk about women in a perverted sense, watch sports and drink beer.

For real, Aura meant that Madonna and Carlos will be like such couples as Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon or Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn.

After speaking with that mistress psychic, I next dialed up the Yellow Pages Psychic Network. "Is this really necessary," I asked myself. I also asked myself, "Doesn't the yellow pages have anything else better to sponsor?"

Well, anyway, I was smitten between two choices: speak with Anna who did readings for pets or Carol who did readings through angels. So I whipped out my "Like A Virgin" CD, set it to "Angel" and talked to Carol.

Carol: This is Carol, with whom am I speaking with?

Wildcat: (As if she didn't know) Carlos.

Carol: Carlos, what would you like for me to know today?

Wildcat Well, my girlfriend just had a baby and I was wondering if you could predict what will happen to Lourdes in the next few months?

Carol: First, congratulations! Second, your baby is a Libra and this is my prediction for her. Her lucky number is 11, and it seems that right now she is surrounded by chaos.

Wildcat: Maybe it's that chaotic, screaming baby in the maternity ward. Her lucky number?

Carol: Also an outing with her family isn't going to go as planned, with loved ones being insistent.

Wildcat: I am so confused. An outing? Like closets or to the park?

Carol: She will be happy with a Sagittarius nearby.

I don't understand and don't know if I ever will. Carol and her angels were a bit too random and even bizarre. Perhaps she could sense that I really wasn't a father to any child and that I could never be since I don't date girls. Hmm ...

Finally, I called the most dependable psychics at the Dionne Warwick-peddled Psychic Friends Network. This is where it was at.

I talked to my personal psychic, Denisa, and she filled me in on my curiosity before it killed me.

Denisa said Lourdes will be a happy baby with a smooth lifestyle. She said the planets were in the motion and areas that usually helps a person be a happy person throughout life. She saw all of that out of planets?

Madonna, however, will have a rough time getting through her newfound maternal lifestyle. Denisa said Madonna will become highly stressed-out and become temporarily insecure while trying to take care of her first baby.

She also said Madonna will neither go on tour nor make another record for "a while." Denisa said she doesn't see anything but motherhood for Madonna for the next year or so.

As for Carlos, Denisa said Carlos will be involved in raising Lourdes, but she didn't see him in Madonna's life for long. Better get that classified ad ready for new trainer.

The most dependable predictions about Madonna came from my Magic 8-ball keychain. When asked if Madonna will make a good mother, the 8-ball, which knows all, responded by saying, "Looks doubtful."

Will Madonna be the next Joan Crawford?

All that's left to say is, "Lourdes, I thought I told you NO WIRE HANGERS EVERRRRRRRRRRR!"

Congradulations Madonna!

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