Vote for Bob Dole ... or he may die!!

Arizona Daily Wildcat


In 1950, Robert Joseph Dole was elected to the Kansas Legislature.

At the time he was 27 years old. From there, he moved on to being elected Russell County Attorney, and then after eight years he became a U.S. Congressman. After eight years in the House, he was elected in 1968 to the Senate and served as a Senator from 1968 until June 11, 1996. For forty-six years, Dole has been married to his job and placed it before his own wife(s) and family.

Oh my God. I finally figured out what Republicans mean by family values: Stay married to your job, ignore your first wife, and then pick-up the second 'trophy' wife. I get it; by "family values," Republicans mean that a person is supposed to have as many families as possible, with the first wife being the job and the second and third wives being the little homemakers. No wonder I'm a Democrat; my parents and grandparents are still married to each other.

Anyway, lets get back to the real point, which is to HELP SAVE BOB DOLE'S LIFE!

It is just like a married couple. When one spouse dies, the other one soon follows to the great beyond. So it will be with Dole: he will die when his political career ends. Dole is married to his job as a politician and will be out of sync when it all end s. He has already resigned from the Senate - all he has left is the campaign. He is biorythmically bound to politics and will have nothing after the campaign ends.

He will die if he doesn't win or he will have to go back to Kansas. Now, even if he doesn't die within six months after the election, he will probably end up killing himself. Think about it. Why would anyone want to go back to Kansas, when all it's filled with are twisters and Toto?

We have to do the American thing. We have to do the humane act. We have to keep the old man alive.

The sad thing about Dole is that it appears as if he is already on his death bed. Looking at the book On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and the five stages of grief as they are explained, Dole has already started down the path of 'ending.'

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. When a person realizes that he is going to die, he is supposed to go through all five stages until he accepts his impending doom.

Let's look at the past few months of the campaign and see how close Dole is to dying.

He has continually denied that he is behind in the race and continues to believe that he is going to win. I guess that a 15 percent to 20 percent gap is deniable.

Has Dole come across as the crotchety old man who is angry at the world? No, it just seems that way. His nonsensical attacks against the media border on insanity. One specific instance comes to my mind - his attack on the lovely Katie Couric. Attacking Ka tie is like attacking a Muppet and then telling the Muppet that she's mean and part of some nefarious plot against you.

Just last week, the world was privy to his bargaining when he asked Ross Perot to step down from the campaign. Pitiful bargaining, especially because Perot said no and has been using the incident to further his goals because of Dole's desperate attempt to garner more support.

Depression is the next stage. Look at the man and his smile which warms up a room. Oh, I'm sorry ... there is no such smile. He might as well change his name to Blue Bob.

The final stage is acceptance. The nation is just going to have to wait until election day to see if Dole accepts his fate. But, the students on campus can save him. By going out and voting for the man, not only are you saving his political career, but al so his life.

Then again, he's lived this long without a heart.

Jeremy Pepper is a philosophy senior. His column, 'Dash of Pepper' appears every other Thursday.