By Jill Dellamalva
Arizona Daily Wildcat
September 17, 1997

Let's talk sports

Arizona Daily Wildcat Jill Dellamalva

OK, OK ... my knowledge of sports is very limited. My exposure to the subject can be compared to the effects of second hand smoke. I don't participate directly in conversations about sports, but my passive secondary hearing mechanisms cause me to be interested in a marginal way. So, this is not a sports column - turn to the Wildcat's sports section for the real thing.

This is mainly about the language used by coaches, players, announcers, fans and generally anyone interested in sports.

The most intriguing part of sports talk is the fun, light-hearted and comedic nature of the language. It isn't serious. No one gets hurt. There is no intended offense - except in the sport of soccer in such places as the British Isles, Columbia and a few other South American countries. Their fans are absolutely crazy and violent.

I'm fascinated with the language football has created. It seems that every coach attended the same fourth grade grammar school - all at the same time - regardless of their age. They all say before and after a game, whether their team wins or loses: "We're taking it one game at a time" or "No, we are not looking ahead to ASU" or "In this conference, on any given day, any given team can beat any other given team."

When Big Time University is playing Pathetic U next Saturday, the coach of BTU is compelled to say, "We're not taking them lightly, Pathetic U is the best 0-6 team in the country." The coach of Pathetic U counters with, "I've asked the president of PU to fire the athletic director for scheduling a game with BTU." This is all in good-hearted fun. Everybody makes crazy statements with a tongue-in-cheek attitude.

A coach was asked what plans he had to stop Touchdown Tony the Tornado in next week's game. He replied, "I had a good game plan, but it was rejected by my staff. They reminded me that I would be committing a felony before 75,000 witnesses. I then went to Plan B: praying to the opposing coach for mercy."

In addition to my favorite "We're taking it one game at a time," I also like, "He is a threat to go all the way every time he touches the ball." Usually this "threat" fumbles two punt returns, leaving his coach to say, "That kid must have been watching films of my performance when I was in college."

College players and coaches also have a unique way of complimenting their opponents. One player said of an opposing lineman, "He has one more year of eligibility, and will graduate in June. He wants to go to medical school. I have already written a letter of recommendation to the medical school - I do hope he's accepted."

A coach whose team was defeated had his usual after-game press conference. He said his team had a little offense, a little defense and a better kicking game. The only advantage the opponent had was a better coach.

This injection of a touch of humor makes discussion of sporting events so interesting, it's too bad we can't transfer it to other things, such as politics and world problems. Perhaps some serious problems could be solved if people just lightened up a little. Then again, try telling that to Yasser Arafat, Benjamin Netanyahu, anyone in Bosnia, northern Ireland, etc. ... Something tells me they wouldn't get it.

So to all UA coaches, players and fans - make reference to our opponents as the Green Bay Packers in disguise and pretend to fear all those Touchdown Tony the Tornadoes. Win or lose, we'll hear "We couldn't be prouder of our kids." If we win, then we "brought it to the next level." If we lose, by law we are required to say, "A few calls here and there, a few breaks here and there, a few more minutes on the clock - who knows, it might have been a different game."

Just remember - Good Luck to the Wildcats, but let's take it one game at a time.

Jill Dellamalva is a junior majoring in creative writing and journalism.