Send in the Clones!

Arizona Daily Wildcat Tom Collins

Seed is the Chicago physicist who said recently he'd like to open a for-profit human cloning lab for infertile couples.

It's been in the papers and on television.

The reaction has been swift and righteous because, after all, talk like that is barbaric.

"It's now clearer than ever the [clone-banning] legislation is exactly what's needed," President Clinton said. Republicans and upstanding citizens from 14 other countries agreed.

(Germany and Britian didn't sign on for opposite reasons. Germany already has strict laws against testing and research on embryos, while Britain said it defends the right of scientists to do research.)

This evil genius must be stopped lest he hold the world hostage with an army of handsome, identical men. No nation could resist a legion of Ricky Nelson's sons. It's not like Matthew and Gunnar have something better to do with their time.

"Submit blood and sperm samples for genetic experimentation? Hmm . . . do I get a royalty," Gunnar would say, tossing his silky, blond locks.

That hair could change the world.

Of course there are other possible problems. For example . . . freaks.

Who knows what kind of genetic anomalies might go undiscovered, might even enter the broader gene pool?

Is this the dawning of the very same devolution that Devo warned us about? Have you seen "The Island of Dr. Moreau"?

Richard Seed wants to roll the dice. He thinks this is the next evolutionary step, a step closer to God.

Granted, those kinds of arguments haven't been made since Nuremberg, but jeez, it's just talk. Right?

On a more personal level, isn't cloning just the right trend for the yuppie families of the future. As self-obsession continues to cause the collapse of community, as we continue to turn to the television for our connection to humanity, could it be time for copying children? Creativity is dead. Everything is recycled; why not you?

How cool would it be to raise yourself?

In a world of wounded inner children, isn't that the perfect revenge on your parents for denying you the stuffed Smurf you wanted. To have a little you and give him or her a Smurf.

Your parents would be wounded and you would be healed and your duck-billed son or daughter would gurgle and there would be peace.

Why stop the march of science now? The world is already kinda toxic and threatening.

The rain forests are making way for advances in genetically engineered beef. On top of that, genetic testing is all the rage already. Soon it'll be easy as anything to find out exactly what problems your child will face because of your genes.

You can be sure that insurance companies will continue to fight to get at that information. Eventually, people won't be able to afford the risk of normal insemination, the premium will be too high. But with a previously tested formula, there is no gamble.

It's not too terribly difficult to imagine some health maintenace organization requiring parents to prove they are worthy of having children in order to be covered. But Grandpa is 90, never smoked, never drank, never had cancer or diabetes. Such a splice would be more cost-effective in the long run.

It would also allow for more family-oriented revenge.

Call it the "Nick at Nite/TV Land Theory." It's always better to watch something you've already seen. "Mannix" is better the second time around. Look at just how many retro compact disc collections are available.

And so, Dr. Seed (if that is your real name), move on down to Mexico. The time has come to re-run the world.

Tom Collins is Editor in Chief of the Arizona Daily Wildcat.