Modern driving is like Frogger

Arizona Daily Wildcat Ezekiel Buchheit

By Ezekiel Buchheit
Arizona Daily Wildcat
September 4, 1997

While I am aware that this is a cliché, and by using one I am exposing myself to the wrath of the English gods whose fury may damn me to an eternity of writing romance novels, America truly is the unbiased land of opportunity. And I am not just saying that because the government bought me a Porsche; America is a world in which young souls, with love in their hearts and wealth in their eyes, yearning to forage for themselves a better life, can step into any street, and in a manner of seconds, be run down by a passing maniac. Of course we Americans refer to the passing maniacs as licensed drivers.

For anybody new to this nation who happens to be reading this column, let me tell you that in this country, in order to qualify for the privilege of having a drivers license, hopefuls have to go through such rigorous tests as having a pulse. I know the Department of Motor Vehicles is insane simply because they will give licenses to anyone: deceased people, or, for instance, me. If anyone wasn't ready for the responsibility of driving, it was me. Within a week of having a license I got into a car accident. What happened is that some idiot driver making a right turn lane-jumped across three lanes, into the furthest left lane, without paying any attention whatsoever to the other traffic.

But it was not all my fault. The other driver ran a red. So we see that we now have evidence that the DMV gave at least two complete morons license to maim and kill at will, as well as probably many others. But if they did not hand out licenses like condoms to high school students, if they actually made sure that the testee in question had enough skill to operate a motor vehicle, people would throw a fit. I know I would. I need to drive.

Which brings me to my point, and I actually do have one; Americans lack discipline. However, before I discuss discipline, I suppose I must first define it: Discipline is having the proper respect needed to accept a full responsibility. A "responsibility" is defined as an act that others do that has the potential to annoy me, and the proper "respect" for this act is to never, ever, under any circumstance, allow this to happen.

Let us return to this driving scenario. Many people lack the proper respect necessary when it comes to the responsibility of driving. This is determined by the galactic number of people I get angry at every time I drive.

Do not be confused here, I am not simply trying to complain about a problem without getting involved. Whenever a driver mistakenly turns without signaling, I lean out my window and helpfully signal for them using my gun. Every time I catch someone unaware that the sign reads 55 mph and not 550 mph, I tackle the responsibility of being the one to inform them of their error by easing safely in front of them and locking the brakes. And in the rare instance that some hugely mistaken driver accidentally cuts me off in traffic, I, without complaint, grudge, or negative thought, find out where they live, come over at some unannounced time­ say 3:00 a.m.­ enter their home invited or otherwise, and in a calm, collective, and critical but not overly harsh fashion, kill them.

So I do get involved.

However, I still do not see people demonstrating what I would consider proper discipline. For the benefit of those reading, the country, all society, and perhaps most noble of all, for the benefit of myself, allow me then to present what I would consider to be proper discipline. Preferably, I would like nobody to be driving while I am on the road, or, if possible, only movie stunt drivers would be on at the same time. You know, the ones paid to get into accidents in movie chase scenes, or to avoid the actor in the car on the wrong side of the road. It just seems like it would be fun to try and hit them.

Since this is not about to happen, instead, when I am cruising down a rural road at a modest speed of 135, I would like all cars to treat me like an ambulance and immediately pull off to the side of the road. I haven't any flashing lights on my car, so you will have to keep checking your rearview. But don't worry, my car is easily recognized, it has all the bodies of the young souls, with love in their hearts and wealth in their eyes stuck to the grill.

Ezekiel Buchheit is a freshman majoring in English.