cola hoedown

Matt Heistand Arizona Daily Wildcat

The Coke/Pepsi debate has raged since the dawn of time (the late '70s). Though many people can't tell the difference between the two drinks, cola aficionados will tell you that Coke tastes very different from Pepsi. They're right - there is a distinct difference in flavor. Coke's bouquet resembles carbonated camel piss, while Pepsi tastes like fizzy dingo urine. Whether you prefer Coke or Pepsi, you're drinking the excretions of a smelly animal from some weird-ass country, and you like it. The reason we choose Coke over Pepsi (as any right-thinking person does) is not because it tastes better, but because the Coke/Pepsi dichotomy runs much deeper than mere taste. Coke and Pepsi represent different lifestyles, different aesthetics - indeed, entirely different ways of looking at the world.

Coca-Cola, with its intricate, Dickensian typeface, screams retro, while Pepsi, sleek and futuristic, is all about throwaway modern culture. Coke's oft-maligned venture into the modern world, "New Coke," was not a flop because it tasted bad (remember what original Coca-Cola tastes like), but because it dared to cross the line into Pepsi territory. "New Coke" contains the word "new," and that's Pepsi's turf. Coke drinkers don't want new - they want old, dammit, and they want it in a waxed-paper cup at McDonald's with too much ice.

If Coke were a woman, it would be Lauren Bacall: classy, beautiful, a little used-up, but experienced. Coke's voice may be raspy from too many unfiltered cigarettes, but she starred in To Have and Have Not opposite Bogart, so you best respect the lady. Pepsi, on the other hand, is Baby Spice: pigtailed, dumb, tackily impregnated.

Pepsi's logo, a halfhearted yin-yang, is particularly telling. "Believe in the Tao," it whimpers. "Peace, love, and understanding among all beings. Hug a tree." Hug this tree, you limp-wristed Pepsi-guzzlers: Coca-Cola got its name because its active ingredient used to be cocaine. Hell, for all we know, it still is. It doesn't get more hardcore than that.

Coke and Pepsi have sister beverages, and, as you might expect, Coke's kick Pepsi's in the ass. Coke has "Sprite," a lemon-lime beverage named after mythical woodland creatures. Pepsi has "Slice," named after, um, slices of stuff. Coke has "Dr. Pepper," which (like the Beatles' "Dr. Robert," a snappy little ditty about heroin) is going to cure what ails you, baby. Pepsi's response? "Dr. Slice." I think we know who's the innovator and who's the pathetic little bitch in this contest.

Coke offers "Mello Yello," which I would almost consider drinking just because of the sheer brilliance of its name. I mean, c'mon. "Mello Yello." No two words are more satisfying to read, type, or say, except, perhaps, for "Punky Brewster." Pepsi retaliates with "Mountain Dew," evocative of inbred hicks gettin' jiggy at a hoedown. Yee-haw!

Sadly, the University has decided to join the hoedown of inbred hicks that is the Pepsi Corporation, and we hapless students must follow suit. So next time you're in McDonald's waiting for your McAneurysm and fries, do a little square dance for me. It'll be fun.