paper mill

By phil villarreal
Arizona Daily Wildcat
April 1, 1999

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letters@wildcat.arizona.edu

Wildcat File Photo
Arizona Daily Wildcat
This is Vaughn Philbert. Gotta love that smile.

Name: Vaughn Philbert
Major: Graduate student, with degrees in Communication, Business Ethics, and Creative Writing.
Age: 34
Job Description: Writes papers for UA football and basketball players. Takes tests, too. Gets paid $200 per paper, $250 per test by university boosters.
Job Qualifications: Master of disguise. Smart. Excellent writer.
Job Perks: Gets to hang out with the most popular athletes on campus. Gets to "hook up" with the same women that the athletes "hook up" with.
Job Disadvantages: Under constant scrutiny from the NCAA, because what he does is a minor violation of its statutes. Sometimes has to perform 15 consecutive Underwater Basket Weaving tests in a two-day span.

Vaughn Philbert is the UA's best-kept secret. The secret is so well-kept, no one knows for sure that he exists. His identity is kept so secret, Philbert himself isn't even sure if that's his official name anymore. Regardless, Philbert is the man to thank for much of Arizona's athletic prowess.

He enrolled at the UA in 1980 as a 15-year-old student prodigy. He was too young to get any other job, but still needed to make some money. He began writing papers for members of the football and basketball teams.

"I was wildly successful," Philbert said. "In 1984, when it was time for me to graduate for the first time, I realized that I was making far more money doing this than any job I could get after graduation. I decided to re-enroll next year and get a few more degrees."

Philbert's success became the envy of the entire athletic department. When contacted by other UA sports, such as women's basketball and swimming, he had to turn them down.

"Those sports just don't have any boosters like the football and basketball teams do," said. "All they could offer me was free tickets. I don't have time to actually watch sporting events."

His twin brother, Melvin, got caught writing papers for the University of Minnesota basketball team. As a result, four players were ruled ineligible for this year's NCAA tournament.

"That's all part of the game," Vaughn Philbert said with a smile. "You've got to avoid getting caught. Melvin is such a boner. I would never let that happen to our Wildcats."

Smart move, granting an interview to a Catalyst reporter. There's no way anyone would believe this stuff.

- phil villarreal