The supreme court's Futurama

Arizona Daily Wildcat

We interrupt this prayer breakfast for an important news update. This news flash is brought to you by Archer Daniels Midland, supermarche du monde; ADM - putting 500 family farmers off their land every day.

Washington, D.C., July 4, 2001 - The U. S. Supreme Court followed up its April 5, 1999 decision expanding the rights of police to search automobile passengers with a new 6-3 ruling yesterday which allows law enforcement officers to establish random check points to search cars and pedestrians.

"It seems logical that effective law enforcement would be appreciably impaired without the ability to search a citizen's personal belongings when there is reason to believe contraband or evidence of criminal wrongdoing is on their person," wrote Justice Antonin Scalia in his majority opinion. "Thus, the framers' constitutional intent is preserved. Put frankly, the framers felt you can't be too careful."

"What are you, nuts?" wrote Justice David Souter in his dissent.

Scalia was joined by Justices Clarence Thomas, Stephen Breyer, Sandra Day O'Conner, Anthony Kennedy and Chief Justice William "Call me Esquire" Rehnquist, Esq., in the decision which follows on the heels of the court's several expansions of police power in the past two years.

The six-member majority of Reagan, Bush and Clinton appointees has moved to radically expand the rights of police since its April 1999 decision to allow officers to search car passengers when wrongdoing is suspected. The court followed up that decision by upholding a 1999 district court decision overturning the high court's landmark Miranda decision of a generation ago.

In that case, Clarence Thomas, writing for the majority, stated, "The Constitution was not written to protect criminals for any reason, whether their income level, race, creed or like or dislike for Coca-Cola products."

In that decision, signed by the same six justices, the court went further than most observers expected, clearing the way for profile traffic stops by police officers based on a driver's race.

Yesterday's news was cheered at the White House.

"We never thought we'd get that out of them," said President Pat Buchanan. "Now we can rest a little easier knowing the police have the right to fight crime wherever it rears its ugly head."

Buchanan said the decision can only throw momentum behind the "Social Darwinism" and "You Can't Be Too Careful" constitutional amendments he is pushing this congressional session.

"We're working for a return to the original intent of the constitution," the president said. "I want to own humans."

The president has also called for the conversion of all public universities to jails and prisons in anticipation of the increase in prisoners associated with the newly established police rights. Estimates expect the surge to be even more dramatic than the tenfold increase brought on by the "War on Drugs."

"From now on, from possession of drugs to failure to signal, people are going to know what 'Zero Tolerance' means."

ACLU spokesman Michael Jordan told reporters the decision was "really no big deal."

"We're sick and tired of hearing criminals whine and get off the hook. You want to live in this country, prove your innocence. By the way, we've been purchased by ADM."

Locally, Pima County Sheriff's Department spokesperson Sgt. Brad Foust said that the recent decisions have just proved what he's been saying all along.

"All cops are good, all cops are right, keep your mouth shut and nobody gets hurt," he said.

In other news this hour, Archer Daniels Midland announced its plan to acquire the Arizona Daily Wildcat, your mother, the American Civil Liberties Union and America's only bank, in a gargantuan merger fueled by the need to compete overseas. In addition, the company bought the rights to the benefit concert Farm-Aid from cash-strapped singer Willie Nelson for $5 and a bag of barbecue potato chips.

Company spokesman Tom Danehy said the concert series would be postponed until the last family farm is closed. Danehy went on to say that he had hoped to eat the potato chips with lunch while he watched Hawaii Five-0.

"You know, they just don't make shows like that anymore. Go Cats," Danehy said.

This has been a news update brought to you by Archer Daniels Midland, one world, one company. We now return you to Carrot Top's Hour of Power Faith Healing Prayer Breakfast Rock 'n' Roll Morning Show on KFMFMA