Songs in the key of campus
Wildcat File Photo
Arizona Daily Wildcat
It's Friday. After a week of work and classes, you're certainly exhausted.
The last thing you want to do is read somebody's whiny recycled ramblings about perpetual issues that constantly have campus in an uproar. And rightfully so.
But here at "In Hasselhoff We Trust," we're responsive to your needs. So rather than spout out the typical bull in paragraph after boring paragraph, we've decided to bring the news to you in the greatest common denominator, the heartbeat of America, the medium of champions.
"In Hasselhoff We Trust" is proud to present you with campus issues, brought to you in the universal language: catchy TV theme songs. Sure, I'm no Alan Thicke or Will Smith, but I'd like to think I can write a pretty damn good theme song.
Perhaps the hottest issue around campus is the so-called Mall Enhancement Project. Basically, this little project entails building a freshman fallout-shelter in the mall, adding a new gym to McKale, (I suppose the Student Recreation Center isn't good enough for our Golden Boys), and renovating the Student Union. Of course, the latter is tentatively scheduled to begin sometime between hell freezing over and the day I buy a Rod Stewart album. Anyway, next time you're in that fabulous crumbling structure, sing this little ditty, to the tune of "The Flintstones:"
Union, Student Union
It's the greatest place in history
From the nineteen-fifties
It's about to collapse on me.
Let's walk down the Mall in blue and red
To see the great hole we've built instead.
When you're in the Union,
You'll have a yabba dabba doo time.
A dabba doo time.
You'll have a gay old time.
Here at the U of A, we're lucky enough to have the influence of many foreign cultures, from near and far. To me, the most puzzling comes not from Africa or Asia or even Canada; it comes from First Street. That's right, the Greek system. How could I possibly do a column like this without addressing our hair-bleaching, luxury-car driving, beer-guzzling, conformist friends. Now, sing along with me as I toast Frat Row with this number, with apologies to the people at "Cheers."
Drinking your way through college takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go,
Where everybody looks the same,
And binge-drinking is the game,
You wanna be where you can see,
Our actions are all so
You wanna be where
Looks the same.
You wanna go where
And frat houses are
You wanna go where
Looks the same.
Catchy, eh? I bet you're shoe's still tapping. And speaking of shoes, here's another soon-to-be classic about the latest big-bucks corporate deal, entitled, "The Nike Bunch."
Here's the story of big, bad Nike
Who was making money selling lots of shoes
All of them had a Swoosh, and a trademark
Sewn by Indonesian youth
Here's the story, of a man named Likins
Who was busy with a college of his own
It needed money, to fund its projects
But couldn't pay alone
'Till the one day when Nike met this fellow
And they knew it was much more than a hunch
That these groups would somehow sign a contract
That's the way we all became the Nike bunch
The Nike bunch, the Nike bunch
That's the way we became the Nike bunch
Of course, that's not the only recent corporate deal. As your Coke-thirsty lips have probably already told you, there's a new drink in town. Like it or not, you're now part of "Generation Next." But rather than weep over the sudden change, sing the beverage blues with me, to the tune of that sixties sensation, The Monkees.
Here we come
With a drink so sweet
We get the angriest looks from
Every Coke-lover we meet.
Hey, hey we're Pepsi
And people say we monkey around
But we're too busy selling
To put anybody down
We're just trying to make money
Come drink and pay today
We're a rich corporation
And we're here to stay
Well, folks, there you have it. A greatest hits collection of campus issues reduced to catchy jingles, as promised. Now it's your turn. Warm up those vocal chords, and sing 'em loud, sing 'em proud.
Ryan Chirnomas is a molecular and cellular biology senior and can be reached via e-mail at Ryan.Chirnomas@wildcat.arizona.edu. His column, In Hasselhoff We Trust, appears every Friday.