Songs in the key of campus

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Ryan Chirnomas

The last thing you want to do is read somebody's whiny recycled ramblings about perpetual issues that constantly have campus in an uproar. And rightfully so.

But here at "In Hasselhoff We Trust," we're responsive to your needs. So rather than spout out the typical bull in paragraph after boring paragraph, we've decided to bring the news to you in the greatest common denominator, the heartbeat of America, the medium of champions.

"In Hasselhoff We Trust" is proud to present you with campus issues, brought to you in the universal language: catchy TV theme songs. Sure, I'm no Alan Thicke or Will Smith, but I'd like to think I can write a pretty damn good theme song.

Perhaps the hottest issue around campus is the so-called Mall Enhancement Project. Basically, this little project entails building a freshman fallout-shelter in the mall, adding a new gym to McKale, (I suppose the Student Recreation Center isn't good enough for our Golden Boys), and renovating the Student Union. Of course, the latter is tentatively scheduled to begin sometime between hell freezing over and the day I buy a Rod Stewart album. Anyway, next time you're in that fabulous crumbling structure, sing this little ditty, to the tune of "The Flintstones:"

Union, Student Union

It's the greatest place in history

From the nineteen-fifties

It's about to collapse on me.

Let's walk down the Mall in blue and red

To see the great hole we've built instead.

When you're in the Union,

You'll have a yabba dabba doo time.

A dabba doo time.

You'll have a gay old time.

Here at the U of A, we're lucky enough to have the influence of many foreign cultures, from near and far. To me, the most puzzling comes not from Africa or Asia or even Canada; it comes from First Street. That's right, the Greek system. How could I possibly do a column like this without addressing our hair-bleaching, luxury-car driving, beer-guzzling, conformist friends. Now, sing along with me as I toast Frat Row with this number, with apologies to the people at "Cheers."

Drinking your way through college takes everything you've got.

Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go,

Where everybody looks the same,

And binge-drinking is the game,

You wanna be where you can see,

Our actions are all so

lame

You wanna be where

everybody

Looks the same.

You wanna go where

BMWs go,

And frat houses are

aflame

You wanna go where

everybody

Looks the same.

Catchy, eh? I bet you're shoe's still tapping. And speaking of shoes, here's another soon-to-be classic about the latest big-bucks corporate deal, entitled, "The Nike Bunch."

Here's the story of big, bad Nike

Who was making money selling lots of shoes

All of them had a Swoosh, and a trademark

Sewn by Indonesian youth

Of course, that's not the only recent corporate deal. As your Coke-thirsty lips have probably already told you, there's a new drink in town. Like it or not, you're now part of "Generation Next." But rather than weep over the sudden change, sing the beverage blues with me, to the tune of that sixties sensation, The Monkees.

Here we come

With a drink so sweet

We get the angriest looks from

Every Coke-lover we meet.

Hey, hey we're Pepsi

And people say we monkey around

But we're too busy selling

To put anybody down

We're just trying to make money

Come drink and pay today

We're a rich corporation

And we're here to stay

Well, folks, there you have it. A greatest hits collection of campus issues reduced to catchy jingles, as promised. Now it's your turn. Warm up those vocal chords, and sing 'em loud, sing 'em proud.

Ryan Chirnomas is a molecular and cellular biology senior and can be reached via e-mail at Ryan.Chirnomas@wildcat.arizona.edu. His column, In Hasselhoff We Trust, appears every Friday.