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An immodest proposal

By Nancy A. Knox
Arizona Daily Wildcat
September 16, 1998
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Arizona Daily Wildcat

Nancy A. Knox

Almost everyone has written a Bill Clinton story, from those political icons that give us their perspective in Newsweek and Time to that helpful, yet slightly psychotic-looking pediatrician who writes for the Arizona Daily Star.

Being the political science student that I am, I have to write about politics in class, therefore I rarely write about them for fun. Now, however, it is time for fun.

Most writers are content to confine their views to rhetorical arguments for or against impeachment or take the ideological high road and discuss the moral aspects of the issue. Being the whimsical, flight-of-fancy kind of girl that I am, I am going for the sensational.

My daughters and I, probably due to endless reading of the National Enquirer and like-fashion yellow journalism during waits in the checkout lines of grocery stores, went right for the dirt in our quest for the real story. When perusing the Internet, under "search for," we printed out "Clinton Sex Stories."

We received 110 matches and set about the task of finding the juiciest pieces.

My oldest daughter and myself were incredibly entertained to learn Yasser Arafat had been kept waiting in the Rose Garden while this peccadillo was taking place and concluded that Fidel Castro would have been a totally riotous substitute.

In an article entitled "What He Saw in Her," we learned how dear Monica first caught our beleaguered leader's eye. It appears she was fashionably outfitted in a "colorful" harem pantsuit one day while serving out her internship, replete with "thong-style" underwear. Upon viewing the President nearby, she graciously lowered her colorful drawers to reveal the thong.

We fell over on this one. I recently applied, and was not chosen, for a Congressional internship. Perhaps it was my choice of a business suit.

My daughters suggested I should have wore some of the my costumes from my exotic dancer stint years ago.

Finally, our quest for stupid stories turned to the events surrounding the sending of Monica's "semen-stained" dress to her mother.

My daughters spewed forth a barrage of comments as to what other articles of clothing Monica could have also sent in her soggy "gift" to her mother. A spaghetti-stained napkin? A Kool-Aid covered shirt? Boxer shorts drenched in lemon-swirl yogurt? The possibilities were endless.

Yes, we did have our fun that night, all at someone else's expense, which is how true political commentary fun should be. I study this stuff, I should know.

But, being a budding entrepreneur as well, I thought of the profit potential. If Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee could create such a stir with their home video, why not our fearless leader and his consort?

This would be truly heady stuff. Steven Spielberg and other Hollywood cronies could give a few pointers from a cinematography point of view.

And frankly, who needs dialogue for this type of celluloid? The demand would be tremendous. This could finance Al Gore's campaign.

I wonder if Janet Reno has a VCR?

Nancy Knox is a political science and sociology junior. Her column, Processed Cheese Food, appears every Wednesday and she can be reached via e-mail at