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A World without A's

Editor's note: There are no letter "A's" in this week's column because the author has no use of his fifth left finger and is unable to hit those keys on the keyboard. Also, I am too lazy to insert "A's" to replace all the slashes. Phil deeply apologizes, or as he would write, "/pologizes."

My poor left pinky.

Let me expl/in: L/st week, I w/s w/rming up for /n intr/mur/l b/sketb/ll g/me /t Be/r Down Gym, getting re/dy for the fin/l g/me of the regul/r se/son, when I suddenly sp/ced out.

One of the guys on my te/m, the Skeletors, threw me the b/ll, but I didn't see it coming until the l/st second - just enough time to get my left h/nd out in front of the b/ll, to h/ve it crush my tiny finger, bend it b/ckw/rds /t the joint /nd twist it like /n inverted question m/rk.

During my two-hour w/it in the emergency room, I re/lized th/t it would prob/bly be / while until I would h/ve full use of th/t finger /g/in.

In order to t/ke my mind off of the throbbing p/in, I took out my notebook /nd scribbled out / list of things I wouldn/t be /ble to do for the next month or so.

Then I took the list home /nd commented on e/ch item.

1. Cl/p.

When I w/s /t the UCL/ b/sketb/ll g/me on S/turd/y, J/son G/rdner m/de th/t /wesome g/me-opening three-pointer. Like everyone else, I rose to my feet, cl/pped, /nd st/rted yelling. Unlike everyone else, I w/s scre/ming in p/in.

2. Do, um, stuff left-h/nded.

I don/t w/nt to get into this one too much, but I w/s w/y wrong. Just trust me - hum/n ingenuity is /m/zing.

3. Do pushups.

Pushups would put too much str/in on my finger, not /llowing it to he/l properly. Thus, I h/ve / v/lid excuse to continue my stre/k of 1,820 d/ys without doing / pushup (d/ting b/ck to 11th-gr/de gym cl/ss).

4. Type norm/lly.

Just t/ke / look /t this column. Not one "/" in the whole thing. Kind of looks like my gr/de tr/nscripts.

5. Put on / puppet show.

Not to insinu/te th/t I regul/rly put on puppet shows, but I w/s h/ppy to find th/t doing so is not completely out of the question. One restriction - one ch/r/cter (the one pl/yed by my left h/nd) must be the "str/ight m/n," who is silent /nd entert/ins not by his verb/l /ntics, but with his physic/l humor.

6. Fight.

I w/s wrong on this one, th/nkfully. When I decided to b/ck out on my Girl Scout cookie order Tuesd/y, the 8-ye/r-old decided to bring her mom to my front door to intimid/te me into p/ying up. I won't lie to you. It w/sn't pretty. It took plenty of sl/p fighting, kicking /nd biting, but when /ll the dust cle/red, th/t miniv/n drove /w/y /nd I still h/d my $5.

7. Pl/y b/sketb/ll.

The doctor told me not to pl/y /g/in for four weeks, but it w/s the pl/yoffs. No little pinky injury would keep me from "Febru/ry M/dness." So I threw c/ution into the wind, ch/nneled my competitive spirit, /nd pl/yed /nyw/y.

But the other te/m ruined my pl/ns. They be/t us by the mercy rule /nd blocked both of the shots I tried to t/ke. On top of /ll th/t, one of them sm/cked my injured finger while I w/s dribbling, c/using me to go to the doctor /g/in.

/ssholes.