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Stuff I learned

Well, another school year is coming to an end - I've lied on teacher evaluations, B.S.ed my way through some lengthy papers, and kissed some major prof butt hoping to get grades that are decent enough to show to my parents without wearing riot gear.

But sometimes, when I'm getting sentimental, I think about all the stuff I've learned this year. Here's some of the biggies:

1) Eating Louie's Lower Level for more than three days in a row will ruin your insides. Louie's "restaurant" provides super-greasy food at cheap prices. A chicken sandwich, fries and a coke is a bargain for $1.99 . . . if you count what they serve as chicken. Louie's workers are also smarter than you'd think-- you should have seen the look they gave me when I wrote "MC Wrecking Ball" as the name on my food slip.

2) Never go on the baseball field wearing maroon. Last Sunday, I mistakenly wore a pair of maroon Southern Cal shorts onto UA's baseball field following Arizona's 8-7 victory against Cal-State Northridge. UA head coach Jerry Stitt pointed them out to me as I tried to intervew Wildcat players, refusing to talk to me until I apologized for my fashion faux paus. Why? Becuase I was wearing the gear of the Trojans? No. As Stitt explained to me, maroon and gold are ASU colors. I guess this whole "rivalry" thing is, like, important.

3) Women athletes rule.

I'll admit that before I did this whole writer thing, I rarely paid attention to women's athletics. From the high school games that I had seen, girls' sports were about as exciting as watching grass grow.

But, after attending women's volleyball, basketball and water polo games, I've realized something - these athletes can play! Some of the best athletes on this campus play the "little sports." Jenna Daniels is the best female collegiate golfer in the nation, bar none. In volleyball, Dana Burkholder and Marisa DaLee have done more for the UA program than any two players in the school's history.

In other sports, players such as Reshea Bristol, Jenny Finch and Brianna Glenn have all transcended their sports, putting a fresh face on female athletics. They've even gained a new fan-- me.

4) The key to writing a good, funny column hinges on two words - John Rocker. While his racist antics have promtpted many critical stories from the media (myself included) the Braves' pitcher is a good puchline To put it in mathematical terms: Rocker + unrelated topic = comedy. For instance, "Arizona State fans are about as welcome in Tuscon as John Rocker is at Maya Angelou's birthday party."

5) Never take a UA team for granted. Before the football season, I tried to convince my friends that we should make plane reservations for New Orleans so we could see the Wildcats play for the National Championship game. Six losses later, I was looking forward to the basketball season.

As the hoops season started, I tried to convince those same friends to buy tickets to Indianapolis for the NCAA Finals. Wrong again. I swear, we'll be good next year.....

6) Finally, and most importantly, don't piss off the band. Earlier in the semester, I wrote a column voicing my displeasure with "Bear Down, Arizona" as the school's fight song. Although I expected some hate mail, I was in no way prepared for the flood of e-mail that I got from the so-called "Pride of Arizona", a title which I originally thought was a nickname for former Wildcat Sean Elliott.

Let me tell you, my life was hell. Walking from campus to a class, I was jumped by a group of pep-banders, who beat the hell out of me with their woodwinds. The next day, I awoke to find a tuba next to me in bed. On my way to school, I found that the album in my car stereo had been replaced with a band CD.

Even N.C. Winters, a Wildcat cartoonist, slammed me, and I made the "Stuff I Hate" section. So, I guess I'm sorry for pissing off the band. I know the band can spell out 'Arizona' and 'Wildcats' on the football field.

However, they're going too far. So I beg you - stop spelling out "Screw Finley" in my apartment's parking lot. Who dots the "I" in Finley, the tuba guy?

For anybody looking to send me hate mail, I already have an excuse ready. John Rocker made me do it.