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Year's end

By Shaun Clayton
Arizona Daily Wildcat,
May 3, 2000
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First, I would like to point out that today's column was not written by Shaun Clayton, but instead by me, Thaddius B. Wornfellow, ESQ. Shaun has gracefully given me the chance to write his column for him as he is lazy and would rather be watching Thundercats than write anything meaningful.

So, it has come to my attention that the year is ending. This is a huge surprise for me, as it is only May. I thought that the year ended in December, or one of those months at the end of calendars. How foolish of me to assume such things, what with me being old and terribly senile. Oh, how my youth has withered like my wife's breasts!

Anyhoo, I was writing about the end of the year, wasn't I? Yes, I was. I can read it there on the page. Now, I say, this end of the year thing, that these students keep going on about "the year" and it's "ending" and I as such, have to take note, because there is not much else for me to do now.

I am 142 years old and a graduate of the University of Arizona. I graduated back when it wasn't even the University of Arizona. Back then, it was called Joe's Donkey Shack, and it served the best damn donkey steak I ever tasted west of the Pecos.

I graduated from there with a degree in the Domesticated Animal Culinary Arts, and it has served me ever since.

Boy, them cats sure do fry up good in the summertime ...

Anyhorse, I was writing about this "end of year" thing and I keep hearing about how students are "leaving" now that the year is over. Leaving? Where on God's green earth do these youngsters think they are going! There're horses to be saddled! Cows to be fed chickens! Pigs to be made into Orwell novels! For the love of crap, there is far too much to be doing now!

I weep for the current generation. They are so unlike my generation, the generation of their grandparents' grandparents. In my day, we used to sit around, drink beer made from shredded cactus and groundhog, and wonder how long it was going to be before we had to get up and do hours of back-breaking work just so that the giant hamster from Klato wouldn't eat us.

Oh, to be ruled by giant hamsters from Klato again. Would be a pleasure like no other greeted upon this earth. C'ept maybe a 37-hour orgasm, but those are few and far between. I swear, Viagra doesn't live up to its promise of being a wonder drug. You still have to work it, even when you live to be 142.

Anyhula, I was just saying that these kids and their whole sense of time is all wrong. I mean the year doesn't end in May! This is madness! The only reason I could think of that they could be talking about a year coming to the end is if they were talking about the school year, which -

I would just like to deeply and humbly apologize for the past few comments about the students of today. I'm sure they are fine individuals, who know more about the world today than I do. Wherever these young people go from here, they are bound to make a difference.

In closing, I would just like to say that people don't deserve shoes that look like ducks. It's disgraceful, and I keep shooting people's feet off by accident because of it.

Lots of love,

- Thaddius

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