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Gambling the night away

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Phil Villarreal

Last weekend, my friends and I engaged in a night of debauchery that we passed off as a philanthropic endeavor to contribute to the Tohono O'odham economy.

That's to say, we went out for a night of gambling and entertainment at Casino of the Sun. The gaming casino is on the Tohono O'odham reservation just west of town.

My night went like this: I walked in at 10:45 p.m., went up to the first slot-machine I saw, plopped two coins in, spun the reels and won two bucks. I was on a roll.

Fast forward to 10:53 p.m. I've lost all 10 dollars and 75 cents that I had in my pocket to begin with and am sitting bored at the video blackjack table watching two of my friends trying to avoid the same fate.

Though therapeutic, watching other people lose their money isn't nearly as fun as watching yourself lose your own.

The casino operators could be a lot more efficient if only they invented a drive-thru. That way, they could save all the money it takes to run the electric gaming machines and pay the ladies to walk around with those trays of free Pepsi.

People like me, with no knack for gambling, could just drive by, drop off our money and leave. With all the money it would save them, they could afford to give me a little happy meal prize for my $10.75.

But since no such drive-thrus exist, and my friends were spending a lot more money and losing it at a much slower rate than me, I had plenty of free time on my hands.

So there was nothing to do except wander around and listen to the things people were saying to each other, broken up by the inevitable sound of someone, somewhere in the casino, winning.

"Always double down on 11 man, haven't you seen 'Swingers?' It has to be true." ... CHING!

"Maybe you should try the nickel slots, Vern"... CHING!

"Damnit, woman, it's my paycheck, and I don't need to be told what to do with it. Besides, I feel a lucky streak coming on." ... CHING!

"This one is my favorite machine because it talks to me."... CHING!

"I hate f-n' queens. Always have. That's the fourth time that's happened to me today." ... CHING!

"Get away from me. You're bad luck." ... CHING!

"This is my lucky ring. My buddy's girlfriend gave it to me after I..." CHING!

"Hey Phil I'm up 45 dollars. How are you doing?" ... CHING!

"Don't touch me there when I'm at the blackjack table." ... CHING!

"Sevens are better than sex, baby." ... CHING!

At the end of the night, I felt that the entertainment value of eavesdropping on others' conversations had almost made up for the money that I had lost. Almost. By my calculations, I was about 50 cents short. Then one of those ladies came by and handed me a free Pepsi.

I figure I broke even.