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Advice for the clueless

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Phil Villarreal

Dear Philly,

I have this strange feeling that my boyfriend might be cheating on me. How could I find out for sure?

- Suspecting

Dear Suspecting,

Of course he's cheating on you. He's a college guy, right? So stop worrying and get him back by cheating on him. Your infidelity will cancel out his, and you two lovebirds will go back to having a normal, healthy relationship.

Dear Philly,

I'm having a problem with the homework in my statistics class. Can you help me?

- Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

I got a D in that class, so I'm afraid I can't be of any assistance. If you're enrolled in a statistics class, I recommend that you forget college altogether and join a circus. If you're female, try ordering a prescription of Rogaine and applying it to your face. This could start your career as a "bearded lady." If you're male, then grow a beard and invest in a sex change.

Dear Philly,

What number am I thinking of?

- Bored

Dear Bored,

I don't even know how to respond to such a dumb question. I'm a professional journalist that doesn't have time to sift through meaningless inquiries like this. By the way, the number is "69."

Dear Philly,

I really like this girl in one of my classes, but I'm afraid to talk to her. I know her name, but I don't even think she knows I exist. What should I do?

- Confused

Dear Confused,

I would suggest stalking this girl. There's no better way that I can think of to not only let her know you exist, but show her that you care so much for her that you spend all your free time following her.

All you need to do is find out her address and class schedule. Then you'll know where she'll be at all times. The university has an on-line system called "Student Link," that could help you find out all of this information. Happy hunting!

Phil Villarreal is a business management senior. He can be reached at catalyst@wildcat.arizona.edu