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Making Halloween fun again

One of my favorite holidays is Halloween. What other day of the year are you expected to run around in a strange costume and chomp down candy - all the while in an alcohol-induced euphoria?

Besides Christmas, never.

And because it's the only major holiday that falls during the school year, Halloween night parties are usually the best.

But still, no matter how good those parties turn out to be, we won't have as good a time Sunday night as children will.

Kids really get to enjoy Halloween. For one thing, they can trick-or-treat without the host of the house sicking the dogs on them. Free candy abounds, and they can dress up as a super hero without looking like a complete moron.

The little bastards get to enjoy all the fun these days. But take heart - since the good parties won't start up until most of the little kids are done trick-or-treating, we all have a chance to get back at the little ones who come to our doors asking for candy.

To ensure you have more fun than these little kids do on Halloween night, you need the following: a couple bags of candy, a bucket of ice-water, a scary costume and this column for reference.

One lesson that we need to teach these kids is that it's just not right to trick-or-treat during daylight hours. Put a sign on your door that reads "Warning: Do not trick or treat here until night time." If a kid ignores the sign and rings the doorbell anyway at 4 p.m., that's when the bucket comes in handy. Just open the door and splash the ice-water on the little beggar before he can say a word. He'll run off crying, you'll have a smile on your face, and no court in the land will convict you of anything.

Make the kids work for their candy. The phrase is "trick-or-treat," not just "treat." Sounds like an opening of negotiations to me. If you can tell that the kid has no trick to pull on you, (i.e. no eggs or toilet paper), send him home empty handed. Just say, "Sorry, you pose no threat to me, so I'm keeping this Milky Way bar for myself" and eat it right in front of him. If it looks like the little ruffian is packing something that can damage your property, then he stays in the running for the candy.

But not before you act like you're going to kill him. Remember, you're wearing a scary costume. Run after the kid screaming, "I'll kill you!" If the kid doesn't run, that means he's dangerous. Give him the freaking Skittles.

If a kid sticks his bag out to you without saying a word, assume that it's all right to reach in there and take some of those Tootsie rolls for yourself. The kid will probably think you actually gave him candy and walk off in ignorant bliss.

Have the kids fight it out. Little kids sometimes come in groups when they trick-or-treat. If so, then tell them that only the best fighters get candy from this house. Set a stopwatch for 45 seconds and tell the kids they get a candy for each knockout punch they throw. This has enormous entertainment value and is well worth a handful of Starbursts.