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I just can't wait to be Queen

Apparently, some minority students are upset that their nominees, which made up about 10 pecent of the 36 candidates, didn't make up any of the five finalists.

But why be upset? Homecoming pageants are popularity contests that have no requirements except that someone be well-liked. In my high school, the same pretty blond girl won the title of Queen for two years straight, and the next year, her best friend won.

So where is Caucasia anyway? I wondered. I did some research on the Internet and found that it's also known by a more common name, the Isle of MTV. The only dolls are Housewife Barbie dolls (Astronaut Barbie and Doctor Barbie have been banned). The only thing playing on TV is the Miss America competition and reruns of the "Saved By the Bell" episodes where Kelly wins Homecoming Queen -Ĝall seven years.

The only books the girls are allowed to read are the manuals to Buns of Steel, the liner notes to Britney Spears " ... Baby One More Time," and a Readers Digest condensed version of "Dear God, It's Me, Margaret," containing only the scene where Margaret and her friends sit around and chant, "We must, we must, we must increase our bust!"

There is a funny amount of greek letters on the local buildings. The streets are paved with Seventeen and windows are caulked with fat-free cream cheese.

Homecoming is a meter stick upon which one's acceptance among the general crowd is measured. It's one of those titles that doesn't mean anything. It's a chipboard cutout of a Ritalin-for-blood little kid holding up his hand to indicate height, and if you're not this tall, you can't ride the puke-mobile.

It says nothing about intellect, depth of character, being able to stray from the spawning salmon that are your peers, or bona fide leadership qualities (and by leadership, I don't mean camping outside the TCC for 2 weeks just to be the first girl in line for N'SYNC tickets.)

If you tell about your work digging irrigation canals in Nicaragua, or leading a protest on City Hall, your employer will be rightfully impressed. But if you write down Homecoming Queen? Come on, people.

"Ah-hem, yes, Miss ... I'll file this in the appropriate place."

The only job that'll get you is housewife or Girl Scout Troop Leader. Homecoming queens turn into stage mothers, their daughters into JonBenet Ramseys and their sons into suspender-wearing hosts at Applebees. Rosa Parks, Ayn Rand, and Joan of Arc were not homecoming queens. Putting "Homecoming Queen" on any form that's supposed to get you respect is just begging for the circular file.

Of course, I'm sure the girls who were nominated are as happy as 13-year-olds with $200 GAP gift certificates. In fact, I'm sure the similarities don't end there, but you don't see them complaining that they don't share their posts with Hispanic, Native American, African-American, or Asian girls. After all that would be too "Captain Planet," and "Dawson's Creek" has a better message anyway.

The university is a rather diverse place, and students from all over the world come here to enrich their education. It is a disservice to those who don't care about the high school throwback known as Homecoming to assume that they even care about such matters.

If minority resource centers didn't nominate females of multi-cultural backgrounds, perhaps it is saying that they have better things to do with their time. Perhaps it is saying that it's more important, for the typical white girl, to be accepted among your fellow white girls as popular, to fit in and be the "best" at doing so.