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Letters to a sink

Arizona Daily Wildcat

April 17, 1999

Sink,

Hi. I'm your owner. My name is Frank Halperin. I am 33 years old. I've been living in this house for a few years now, and I figured it's time I introduced myself. After all, you've always been so nice to me, letting me wash my hands and my dishes in you, and even my underwear that one time. I'm sorry about that.

So, what is there to know about me? Not much, really. I'm an investment banker, and I like moonlit strolls on the beach. I think everyone likes moonlit strolls on the beach now and then. Anyway, keep in touch. I'll be here.

Sincerely,

Frank Halperin

April 20, 1999

Sink,

Are you going to watch the game on Saturday? How about coming over for chips and salsa? I've got a six-pack of brewskis too. Let me know.

Just asking,

Frank Halperin

April 27, 1999

Dearest Sink,

I cannot maintain this charade any longer. I am deeply, deeply in love with you. I've been in love with you since the very first time I felt your smooth stainless-steel knobs, rubbed my hands together beneath your flowing stream. We must be alone together. Tonight. Lois will never know; she's got the flu and can't hear a thing. I will meet you in the kitchen at 12:30. If you're there, I will assume you want this as much as I do. I need you. Now.

Sensually,

F.

April 28, 1999

Dear Sink,

I must apologize for last night. It was too much too soon, I know. What do you say we take a break for a little while? I think we should get to know each other as friends before this relationship goes any further. Let's see a movie sometime, okay? I'll rent Three Men and a Baby.

Your friend,

Frank

April 28, 1999 (later that day)

O Sink,

Let's get it on. I cannot wait any longer. I love you, you chrome-trimmed vixen, you. I don't even know why I'm writing this letter, since I'm about to come in there and fix your plumbing, if you know what I mean.

No time to write my name but I'll do it anyway,

Frank

May 1, 1999

Hey,

Why haven't you called? It's been three days. You can be really cold sometimes, you know that? I mean, I give you free room and board. The least you could do is ask me how I'm doing once in a while. I don't want to start seeing other people, but I have to admit I'm headed in that direction.

Confused,

Frank

May 3, 1999

Sink -

This is terrible. I think Lois knows about us. It's time to be up front with her and put this all behind us. The only problem is that we bought the house with her dad's money, and that means she'll probably get to keep it. But she's not going to keep you! There's no way I'll let that happen! I'll tear you out of the counter with my own hands if I have to. But I have to know that you're going to give me what I need. You've been sort of standoffish lately, and I need that to change if we're going to stay together. Otherwise, I might as well stick with Lois. So come on. Which is it?

May 9, 1999

Okay,

I can tell by your silence that you've made up your mind. Well, that's fine. I don't need you. Hell, the only reason I need a sink at all is because the dishwasher sometimes breaks down. I'm through with you. You're going on the junk pile tomorrow. I hope you're happy.

Good-bye,

Frank

June 4, 1999

Dear Sink,

Hi! My name is Frank. I'm happy to be your new owner. Our old sink wasn't doing its job, so Lois and I decided to bring you into the family. Anyway, I hope you like it here. Let me know if you need anything.

-Frank