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God for sale, slightly used

Well, the first week of classes is complete and we have all settled down a bit. The returning students have begun to get back into the swing of things, and the freshmen are beginning to get a feel for what college is all about. This tells me that without a doubt they have all been accosted at least once by that plague that infests the campus: the Wildcats for Christ and their Faith Christian Church counterparts. We have all been hassled by them at least once, but if most students are as unfortunate as I am, they have been harassed at least a dozen times or so. It's the worst for the freshmen though.

These Wildcats for Christ people aren't stupid. They know where the fresh and most vulnerable prey can be found: the residence halls. They sponsor the church so they are permitted on campus and allowed to hang around out front and often in the lobbies of dorms just waiting for new students to walk by, then they pounce. They know what they're doing. They know that new students don't quite feel comfortable and at one with their new surroundings. They know that new students are looking for a place to fit in, so they attack before these students get a chance to weigh all of the options and potential that this university has to offer.

This isn't right. College is about testing the waters and trying new things. There is a whole world out there, with an infinite amount of people and places and ideas to explore and sort out, and there is no better place than a respected university to get started.

But the thing that kills me the most about these people is that they get paid for their recruitment services. Their goal is to find people to hold Bible study with them. In a sense, they become a kind of a pastor for these students. After some time, they begin, as most religious institutions do, to ask for donations to the cause. They get paid with the money collected here. This makes them no more than petty salesmen.

They have a product, a product that over the last two thousand years has been more profitable than anything else has; so they sell it. They find a target group of potential buyers and put on the pressure until they have made the sale. At the start of the year they often present a survey as an opener. This is a trick. Do not fall for it. They are just trying to get your name and phone number so they can call you later. This is just a slightly more personal form of telemarketing.

Other times they just corner you and play nice, like every good salesman should. They ask you about yourself and tell you about themselves, trying to make it sound as natural as possible but always sounding incredibly phony. They attempt to invent an instant friendship so you will trust them and want to buy their product.

I had this one guy talk to me for a half-hour about how he used to be just like me before he "found the power of the Lord." First, he asked me how I looked at life and my place in it and all of that, and when I told him that I just wanted to hang out, be groovy and follow the golden rule. Miraculously, he used to have the exact same outlook on life. Next, he said that all he had cared about was drinking, partying and "screwing" girls.

What?! I never said that. Why did he just instantly assume that that was what I meant? I could just picture him in some small how-to-sell the power of Jesus seminar where the speaker told him that the best way to identify with college males is to talk about sex and drugs. It was just creepy and he kept repeating it over and over each time sounding more and more scripted.

This is insane. If their product was so great, it would sell itself. It is only a matter of time before they start to package the power of God into a plastic bottled sport drink and advertise it on television. There is no reason to push it, especially on the freshmen. Vacuum cleaner salesmen aren't allowed to set up camp in the halls to push their goods so why should the Christians be permitted? Let students settle in and explore their options a little bit. Don't steal them away and close them off before they have a chance to see the diversity that this campus has to offer.