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'Teaching' fails to tingle, leaves audience numb

"Class, quiet down while I call the roll. Leigh Ann Watson (Katie Holmes), a hard-working, rule-abiding and good-looking girl with good intentions and big dreams. Luke Churner (Barry Watson), the bad boy, the rogue, the mom-is-going-to-hate-him delinquent with the brooding demeanor. Jo Lynn Jordan (Marisa Coughlan), an experienced, tell-it-like-it-is aspiring actress. All present." And in whose classroom are these attractive youngsters? Mrs. Tingle's (Helen Mirren), the devil incarnate with a teaching certificate. It is against this heartless teacher that Katie and friends must battle in one of the more absurd scenarios Hollywood has offered of late.

Mrs. Tingle, played with a wonderfully sharp-tongued malevolence by Helen Mirren, is hated by everyone at Grandsboro High School and with good reason. She openly insults her students, crushes their spirits and does not miss an opportunity to threaten the principal. Poor Leigh Ann is no exception. She, despite being nearly perfect in every sense, becomes a favorite target for the teacher's bitterness. So it is particularly unfortunate for Leigh Ann that it is Mrs. Tingle who discovers her cheating. But don't be alarmed, because sweet little Leigh Ann is innocent. Mrs. Tingle, however, doesn't believe her and knows that this will prevent Leigh Ann from becoming valedictorian, getting a scholarship, going to college, leaving town and avoiding becoming her mother. In short, she is out to ruin Leigh Ann's life. So, with the help of Luke and Jo Lynn, Leigh Ann decides to take action, marking the moment when the movie descends further into absurdity.

And what a shame that it does. Being written and directed by "Scream" scribe, Kevin Williamson, I had big expectations for this movie, but it fell short. "Teaching Mrs. Tingle" is the bastard love child of "Dawson's Creek" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer," both Williamson products. The characters speak with the same self-conscious analysis and pop culture awareness as Dawson's characters, only this time they are thrust into the horror movie conventions that Williamson knows too well. The problem is that so does the audience. "Teaching Mrs. Tingle" fails to rise above those conventions, its plot progressing by coincidence, not suspense. It pains me to admit that Williamson has lost his edge.

Unlike "Scream," "Tingle" handles irony with academic bluntness, and its pop culture references are blatantly transparent, making allusion to the "Exorcist" because our heroes must purge the demon from Mrs. Tingle. Groan.

Then there is Ms. Holmes, who, like in Doug Liman's "Go," plays a doe-eyed innocent caught up in extraordinary circumstances, but in "Tingle" we don't particularly care about her predicament. "Oh, boo hoo, Leigh Ann won't be valedictorian. She won't get her A, sob." We don't seriously believe that being numero uno in her class is the only way she can get into college. The desperation of her scenario is falsely manufactured by the script, and suspension of disbelief is required for us to empathize with her dilemma. In our cynical times, created in part by Williamson himself, however, such suspension has fallen by the wayside, and all we can do is laugh.

And we should laugh because no one should take this movie seriously, if only for the implicit message it sends. The movie implies that injustice and poor grades merit violence, that the triumph of the innocent, good-looking and wrongfully accused over evil is achieved only through debasing oneself to the level of that evil. Evil begets evil, but that's okay, as long as you convince everyone that you were a victim, of the system, of abuse, it doesn't matter. Granted, this is a more sensitive issue in our post-Littleton society, which the filmmakers realized, having changed the title from "Killing Mrs. Tingle." Let us hope that if this movie had still been in development when Littleton struck, they would have let it fall to the editing room floor, especially since it was not worth making in the first place.