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The millennium: more than what meets the eye

As the new millennium draws near, I have to say that I'm a little disappointed.

First of all, the year 2000 automobiles have already come out in the market, and not one is equipped with flying capabilities. I always hoped there would be flying cars in the year 2000.

Secondly, there are no Decepticons.

If you care to remember "Transformers: The Movie," the opening scene shows Transformers driving and flying around everywhere, then denotes that the year is 2001.

The sad truth is that there will be no Decepticons roaming the earth in the year 2001. In all of mankind's technological innovation and enterprise, not a single inventor has devoted his or her efforts into creating a Decepticon.

I realize that I should be happy that no Decepticons will roam the earth in the next couple years. After all, Decepticons are a band of rogue robots, programmed to destroy the earth, abated only by Optimus Prime and his band of freedom-fighting transformers, the Autobots. But you've got to admit that if the world has to be destroyed, it would be cool to watch the Decepticons try.

But instead, it has become painfully obvious that the new millennium will be filled with stupid inventions such as vibrating massagers and flowbies.

Before I go on, I'd like to write a little side note to those intellectuals out there who insist that the new millennium starts in the year 2001 and not 2000. Please allow me to explain my side of the argument. To do so, you must indulge me by following this easy three-step procedure:

Step one: Lift up your copy of the Wildcat and roll it up so that you can hold it as if it were a large candle or whiffle ball bat.

Step two: Make sure that my mugshot is facing on the outside, then lift the rolled-up newspaper to eye level.

Step three: Now bash the rolled-up newspaper/whiffle ball bat into your face.

Confused? I just virtually head-butted you because of your moronic belief system. If there's any lesson the good 'ol 1000s millennium taught us, it's that violence can solve problems that can't be resolved by reasoning. Look at World War II! (Note to the beautiful ladies of the university: There's nothing I can physically do to stop you from making out with the mugshot. If you must, go ahead.)

And for those of you smart asses who didn't take part in the easy three-step procedure, I'll go ahead and try to explain why I believe the new millennium begins in 26 days and not 392.

The reason is this: because Y2K is the first year that will start with the number "2."

In the history books, whatever happened from the years 1000 to 1999 will be closed off and separated from what happens from 2000 to 2999.

So whatever happens in the next three and a half weeks will be shoved back into the old millennium, and we'll all get a chance to make things new when the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31.

Most of us will get it started with a night of gratuitous drinking and attempts at sex.

Most of us, that is. You engineering majors had better get started on inventing those flying cars and Decepticons.