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The second coming of Regis

By Jen Levario
Arizona Daily Wildcat,
January 1, 2000
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Over the course of history, humankind has witnessed many ethereal revivals.

Just a couple of weeks ago, Bart Simpson worked the ailing animated crowds of Springfield as a spiritual healer.

On Sunday, thanks to computer enhancement, millions of Super Bowl fans saw Christopher Reeve rise to his feet and walk - a task he has found difficult since a paralyzing horse riding accident in 1995.

Of course, there's also the whole Jesus Christ deal.

However, the latest revival is a true phenomenon, and it has hit America like a Mack truck.

They call him Regis.

Regis Francis Xavier Philbin, that annoying little creature on the unnaturally popular game show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" has risen from a fate worse than death.

He has overcome Kathy Lee Gifford.

This paralyzing monument in and of himself has risen above his red-haired television co-host/sweatshop guru.

With a following of millions, Philbin has built up an empire comparable only to that of multimedia mogul Martha Stewart. Like Stewart, this impish little man is a master of many crafts.

More famous for his stints in the television arena, the little munchkin got his start in film. Philbin has made appearances in classics of the silver screen like the 1970s comedies, "The Bad News Bears Go To Japan" and "Sextette."

Philbin officially took over airwaves last night, making guest appearances in every ABC prime time program.

This is not enough. As rumor has it, Regis is looking into expansions of his federation.

Some of the more likely networking ploys Philbin plans include, a mega-merger with Internet superpowers Steve Case and Bill Gates; the formation of a city-state dubbed simply "Rege" modeled after the ancient Athenian democracy; and a musical conglomeration with divas Mandy Moore and Christina Aguilera and teen pop sensation Stroke 9.

Philbin also plans to run in next year's New York Senate race and has already set his eyes on the White House.

He plans to base his candidacy on his philosophical and philanthropical crap, having brought society to the peak of awareness with probing questions like, "Is that your final answer?"

Above all other successes, Philbin has created a role model for the hopeless teens of America - proving to all that a small, screeching man can overcome the inherent discrimination that comes along with being hideous.

The only explanation: Regis is magic.

Unlike other saviors who have come and passed and come again, Philbin has the potential to actually go somewhere. And with his brilliant marketing techniques and mad scheming, his supreme reign in Heaven is eminent.

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