By
Nick Zeckets
School's back in, and the regulars are on the UA mall selling this and getting students to fill out that for everything from calling cards to soon-to-be-rag T-shirts. Along with the booty shorts and Abercrombie wear comes another preppie fixture: cell phones. When used improperly, as most are, these are instruments of Satan that cause more annoyance than final exams and should not be bought.
Of the roughly 30 vendors dotting the ripped up UA Mall, 12 are cell phone booths. Phone distributors indicate that at least 50 have been sold each day, with more planning to sign up after this week.
Ah, the glorious information age. Everyone has to be in constant contact; checking stock quotes, ensuring that the weather in San Diego will be pleasant for the weekend trip or that Tyson did, indeed, beat the living snot out of his newest hors d'oeuvre.
Unfortunately, the Southern Californian in-crowd member doesn't need a cell phone for any of the above. If so, consider this thesis void and continue making your money on the NYSE or NASDAQ or what have you.
Cell phones are forever shrilling their incessant beeps in the middle of classes and around campus. For the love of God, turn the damned things off lest you finally be beaten relentlessly. In the name of all that is holy, silence your wretched party favors or face a Kaiser Soze-ish wrath. Rage, children, rage!
Everyone can remember some time during their tenure in school when Professor Whoever was relating the concepts of metaphysical element construction when, to the chagrin of all in class, Susie Sorority Girl or Freddie Fraternity Dick picks up a ringing cell and begins, without concern for volume, "Hey, yeah. I'm in class." To be followed, no doubt, with, "Whaddya doin'?" What are you doing? You're doing everyone a disservice.
Sadly, cell phones are a new competition in the popularity war wherein some misguided souls try to seem as though someone always "needs" to talk to them. No one needs to talk to anyone in class unless his wife's having a baby any minute or if she needs to meet a dealer shortly to dole out some crack. Read: No reason.
At a tech school, perhaps the idea of everyone carrying a cell phone would seem reasonable, but this is a large state university that caters to binge drinking, sun tanning and getting a great degree on the way, if effort is exercised - not driving technology.
Although lower long distance rates are alluring and a valid reason for purchase, usage never stops there. Party hook-ups, campus locations and worthless info now litter American communication waves thanks to cell phones. Stop buying them and save us all.
Right here we need to forge a covenant. The next time someone's phone rings in class we need to stand up, scream at them and ask that they be kicked out forever on the grounds of their rudeness, stupidity, ignorance and all-around discourtesy.
Cell phoneless citizens of UA unite! Band together as a cohesive anti-bullcrap-noise unit working as a team to silence the banter bellowed out in your lecture class. Envision yourselves as cogs in a finely tuned machine, dedicated to the extinction of the cell-toters. They are the enemy, and we are the victims of their terminal diarrhea of the mouth.
Be the metaphysical duct tape muffling the "cell phone bourgeoisie." They think they're better than the rest of us. Guess what? Cell-toters are afflicted with vanity, a cousin to pride which is, in fact, one of the seven deadly sins.
Arm yourselves with a hearty "Shut up!" and a biting "Turn that piece of crap off, jerk!" Each will sting enough to press the inconsiderate into cell phone submission. Are we here to be popular or pick up some knowledge?
