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Cinema Showdown: Crap · but you'll eat it anyway

Will Farrell, Vince Vaughn and Luke Wilson party in their new comedy, "Old School." "Old School" is the story of three post-college guys who decide to start their own fraternity. The movie is currently playing in theatres.
By Mark Betancourt & Lindsay Utz
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday February 20, 2003

Betancourt: I cannot believe we sat through this piece of crap.

Utz: Well, we did.

Betancourt: Will Farrell is such a goddamn moron. Jesus, he's like that hyper kid in junior high who keeps raising his voice to an unreasonable level to tell his idiotic jokes in the middle of class. Shut up Will! Shut up!

Utz: "Old School" is the story of · God, I can't do this.
Mark Betancourt

Betancourt: It's actually that bad, really. I promise. This is not one of those intellectual things. Sometimes crap is just crap.

Utz: But sometimes if you look at crap in just the right light, it can be really a silly thing, brown and stinky, you know, for a moment, you can appreciate crap and the path it went on to become that pile · of crap. Well, unfortunately, "Old School" was never thought about, eaten or digested, just excreted. Somebody literally just crapped millions of dollars worth of crap.

Betancourt: Okay, summary. Will Farrell and Vince Vaughn and ÷ how embarrassing for him ÷ Luke Wilson (who is his agent?) are friends. Luke catches his girlfriend playing sex games and moves into a bachelor pad near a college campus, they have a big party, some nerd they used to pick on throws them out, they start a frat house, they end up winning some kind of ridiculous contest to prove themselves. Confused? It doesn't matter. Believe me, that's as clear as it gets. It's as if a bunch of drunken frat boys decided to put on a play without any preparation at like 4 o'clock in the morning after all the oxygen in the room has been used up and turned into carbon dioxide.
Lindsay Utz

Utz: And they're like, "Dude, we should put on a fucking play!"

Betancourt: "Sweeeet!"

Utz: Unlike a movie like "Animal House," where we appreciate frat boys in their beer guzzling glory, "Old School" paints the most pathetic portrait of men, women, our society, everything. In a sense I feel guilty for not liking it, because why can't we just consume it like we consume everything else Hollywood shoves down our throats, no questions asked? But come on, really, most of it is just plain offensive, from fag jokes to fat jokes, to tits and even women taking blowjob instruction classes. Is this funny?
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Betancourt: Dude. No. That blowjob part was appalling. Literally, all the wives of the guys sit around and have Andy Dick · in a wig · teach them good blowjob techniques. At least this was offensive ÷ the rest was just stupid. Embarrassing.

Utz: There are only two funny parts in the movie: When a guy drops a cement brick that's attached with rope to his balls ÷

Betancourt: Note: actual funniness not included.

Utz: ÷ off a building and he belly flops to the ground and then the part where Will Farrell shoots himself with a tranquilizer gun. This implies that the only good parts in the movie are when we see the characters in pain, momentarily rerouting our own pain of being subjected to such moronic antics. This is another one of those movies that, distributed worldwide, makes every nation think that the U.S. is one big fraternity where 30-year-old men still do beer bongs and sleep with high school girls.

Betancourt: Tell it, sister.

Utz: The promotion woman was asking everyone as they exited the theater what they thought of the film. I heard one teenage girl, with her shiny braces, reply with a long squeaky drawn-out "hilaaaarious" and an awkward giggle. In that moment I wanted to hit her over the head, out of pure disgruntlement and also panic for future generations.

Betancourt: But it's not her fault, and hitting her wouldn't make things any better. This is just a tragedy, a horrific tragedy. The people who allowed this to happen, the producers, are even more to blame than the minions who carried it out. But due to flaws in our legal system, they can never be prosecuted for what they have done. All we can do is help others to avoid the same fate. For your own sake, for the love of all that is just and beautiful, do not go see this movie. Start a movement in your neighborhood. Increase awareness. Organize. With God's help we can conquer this terrible affliction.

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