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Stupid is as stupid does

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Paul Iiams
By Paul Iiams
Arizona Daily Wildcat
September 12, 2002

I have come to a realization one that has been building over the years and just recently has shown its ugly, albeit gratifying, head.

I hate stupid people.

Now I know the Good Book says that you shouldn't hate people. But, nevertheless, the icy sting of hatred permeates my veins when I think of stupid people.

For everybody who reads this and thinks, "Whew, I'm glad he isn't talking about me," I will type this next part slowly: I am talking specifically about YOU.

Who am I to call you stupid, you might ask, hopefully under your breath as to not "out" yourself as an idiot? I am just a regular guy who has embraced the fact that there will be things that I cannot grasp. Does this make me stupid? I think it makes me a realist. This shred of realism is what, I believe, separates myself and others from the morons invading our lives.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't hate everybody. In the years I have lived in Tucson, I have met many wonderful, intelligent people. But, as I interact with more people, the percentage of smart people keeps dwindling.

Be on the lookout for the idiots; they look exactly like the rest of us. Most people in Tucson either have interacted with an idiot, or have become one.

We have all dealt with you. You are everywhere. Why else would a city pass a "Stupid Motorists Law," if the city weren't full of idiots? You are the people who marvel at the appearance of moisture from the sky. You are the people who insist on taking a leisurely drive in said rain. You are also the people who wonder why your Toyota didn't quite make it through the wash as the firemen pull you to safety.

And, unfortunately, you idiots aren't confined to just vehicles. You are also stupid when you get out of your cars. You are the people who talk on your cell phones during movies. (On a personal note, I believe there will be a special section of hell just for you.) You walk up to strangers in a department store and ask if they work there, even though they are wearing shorts and flip-flops. What makes a person stupid? I have one word that I think answers everything: genetics.

Idiots mate and a whole new generation of idiot is born, one that carries the combined stupid genes of their parents. I think there is something in the genetic make-up of an idiot that makes the gestation period (the time the bun is in the oven, for all you idiots) shorter, increasing the population of stupid people faster than normal.

So what can we do to stop the influx of stupid people? My suggestion is to give them a plot of land surrounded on all sides by washes. Sure, they will make it part of the way out, but their Ford Escorts won't quite make it. They will expect someone from the intelligent side to come rescue them. But we won't, because we know better. Idiots.

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