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Meet Jesus Christ

By Lisa Schumaier
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday December 5, 2002

He is watching. Well, only between classes. Remember the young Mexican guy with the good head of hair, Jesus Christ? Students have not seen him in awhile, but he used to stand on his cement podium in the middle of the UA mall. Dressed in khaki pants and a tucked-in button dress shirt, this blue-collar messiah is one of the many campus preachers who randomly appear. However, this one claims to be the one and only J.C. I have not run into Jesus Christ since the interview. Perhaps he landed a holiday job posing as Santa Claus at the mall, or maybe, just possibly, he is busy working miracles in peoples' lives on a daily basis. The day I met Jesus Christ, he was standing alone searching for his flock.

Wildcat: What made you come out to the Mall to talk to college students?

Christ: I was working over at that big building on Sixth and Highland as a bricklayer. My boss laid me off from there and I said, "I will do a protest now." I got a sign and the U of A police said that I had every right to use that corner, don't get in front of nobody, use some basic courtesy. I started preaching and now I just got a harassment charge by my old boss. My whole thing was targeted towards this guy because he laid off Jesus Christ.

Wildcat: You were a carpenter?

Christ: Before I was fired.

Wildcat: How long have you been Jesus Christ?

Christ: Actually, I have always been Jesus Christ ÷ since the beginning of time. I already have bank cards that say Jesus Christ, a social security card that says Jesus Christ. I was revealed legally four months ago, but that's all man's law. I was the very same person that was hung on the cross.

Wildcat: And you have a recollection of this?

Christ: Well, not exactly. I get it through signs and revelations. But what I'm getting now is that I wasn't hung by nails but by rope.

Wildcat: Do you have a family at home?

Christ: I had a foster father who is the embodiment of Satan and my mother is the embodiment of the Eve from the garden. but this one is actually a female god with a small Îg.' But she is actually a cow.

Wildcat: Is that a biblical reference? Is it good that she is a cow?

Christ: No. I had foster brothers and sisters, but they are the sons and daughters of Satan.

Wildcat: What is the necklace you are wearing?

Christ: It's a medal. Since I have already won the victory.

Wildcat: What's the victory?

Christ: That it's already been won.

Wildcat: That's an El Tour de Tucson medal. Were you in that bike race?

Christ: Well, actually I am using it as symbolism.

(He starts thumbing through the Bible)

Wildcat: The Bible is like reading a book about your life? It must be a page-turner.

Christ: Exactly. I have found out some crazy stuff about my life and family.

Wildcat: And this is all while you are in bed at night reading?

Christ: I try to read in bed but my back hurts. I have to sit down at my desk or in my lounge chair. But I am Abraham, Isaac, Moses ·

Wildcat: If you are all those people then why did you pick the name Jesus?

Christ: I had to pick a name for myself, so I went through this book. Guess what name I picked originally?

Wildcat: What?

Christ: They say Jesus Christ is The Word of God so I picked ·

Wildcat and Christ simultaneously: The Word Of God!

Wildcat: Your first name would be The Word and last name, Of God?

Christ: But that was too boastful. I asked God and he said, "Keep it simple."

Wildcat: Were people laughing at you when you went in to change your name?

Christ: You have no idea, but they only empower me.

Wildcat: What is playing on your Discman?

Christ: I get revelations from music that's on the radio. Rock music.

Wildcat: Are you going to get another job?

Christ: Guess how I found out what I am going to do?

Wildcat: From a Blink 182 song?

Christ: I'm going to work in a dollar store.

Wildcat: Who sings that? What song is that from?

Christ: From the one that says, "Working in a dollar store." They weren't talking about an actual dollar store, but a bank. I'm going to be a banker! I have never banked before.

Wildcat: In the meantime, you are out here?

Christ: Yeah, I'm going to stay on it.


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