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The Hall of Catastrophic Romantic Failure

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Mariam Durrani
By Mariam Durrani
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Friday December 6, 2002

How do you break up in a relationship? This situation plagues the best of us. Even the sweetest, smartest, most honest people in relationships are completely dumbfounded when the inevitability of a college romance comes.

Sorry for being so pessimistic, but it's true. We are doomed from the start. Enter the Hall of Catastrophic Romantic Failure and perhaps you won't repeat these painful mistakes.

Behind Door Number One, we have the high school sweethearts. They were exploring puppy love when they were 16 and tried to copy each other's SAT bubbles so they could get into the same college. Later, they came to college together of course and now they see a land of endless promiscuity and adventure that is forbidden fruit to them because of the relationship.

Behind Door Number Two, there is Jenny Freshmen or Sophomore who came to college not knowing a tit from a tat and got serious with the first guy who noticed her for longer than an hour. She is having a great time "experimenting" and wants to find out what a grown-up romance is all about.

And folks, behind Door Number Three, we have the couple that dated around quite a bit before settling down. They have already been to door one or two and think they finally have hit jackpot at number three, only to find love right before (or after) graduation. But, as I said before, college romance is always doomed.

One thing that I want all of you to take into consideration is that all these doors open to a very large and long room or very long relationships that take a lot of time, energy and even money, and are very difficult to end. Thus, this is excluding all you two-weekers out there. That just doesn't fall into the "tragic" break-up category.

The most common and saddest recurring theme when these couples break up is the tendency to walk right back in after a week of being alone. It really is sad. You know what I mean. Your best friend knows that her relationship is going nowhere. And she is going to have to break up sooner or later but she seems to prefer later because she keeps going back to get her heart broken into half a million pieces. If this characteristic is describing one of you out there, take this to heart: Move on.

In a break-up, there is one person (and sometimes both people), who blames him or herself. "It's my fault." "If only I hadn't done this or said that." "Maybe, they'll like me if I change this." If the other person is telling you they need space, show them out. You are hurting yourself in the long run because, when it is over, you are going to regret ever saying these things. You're better than that and, as we have said before, college romances are doomed. Enjoy it for what it was and move on.

Back to our hall of tragic love. Door Number One usually breaks up within the first year. And nine times out of 10, it was the guy. He would cheat on the "love of his life" and pffffft it's over. Sometimes, it is the girl. Either way, it's doomed.

Door Number Two turns out to be the most painful of the three because Jenny gets involved with someone older. The guy is in it for the thrill, while she is silly enough to think she's in love. Eventually, he leaves her and this is the case of the "If only I " You see these girls getting treated like complete shit and not realizing it. Treat this stupidity as a temporary handicap and give them a hand.

The last door sometimes leads to the Hall of Endless Promise. Just like in a class, where one or two people ruin the whole curve for the rest of us, these people ruin the doomed philosophy. They get married and, I think, live happily ever after. I really don't know what happens, but ask them in a few years. Maybe they really did find the magic recipe for love. Maybe not.

This last bit is the disclaimer. Don't take this article to heart. I am all for romance and I know some of you really are "in love." Good for you. I know this advice is hard to follow, so for those who want to break up, here's a thought: "If you want something bad enough, let it go. If it comes back to you, it was always yours. If it doesn't, it never was to begin with."

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