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Commentary: I cut myself on soup

Lindsey Muth
Arizona Daily Wildcat
By Lindsey Muth
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
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The new, easy-to-open, pop-top cans of Campbell's soup are not that easy to open.

Thus begins my exciting list of things I wish I'd done differently in the last school year.

I wish I'd carefully studied the diagram of how to open my cream of potato soup. Instead, I carelessly tried to flip the top off like I was cool or something, and ended up with a severe injury to my left pointer finger. I wrote Campbell's and they sent me $8 worth of free coupons for their products. Score, I thought. Free soup. But my finger still has this ugly, bumpy scar on it and I'd gladly trade back my $8 worth of free soup for my good, old, smooth finger. It was beautiful.

I wish I'd volunteered at an animal shelter or food bank. I didn't do shit this year. I watched the entire final season of "Sex and the City," and I cried a lot. I rented Chuck Norris movies. Did you know he sings his own theme song for "Walker, Texas Ranger"? That man.

I read "Shoofly Pie" cover to cover. God help me. I've become a master of the three-egg omelette. That's a dash of milk, a slice of Swiss, some fat-free cheddar, and about four diced jalapenos, over medium high, and you need a really good skillet. Yes, I can eat a three-egg omelette all by myself. But I always end up wishing I hadn't. I purchased Brilliant Brunette hair products and it works. My hair looks fabulous! I mean it. My hair looks really good. I'm not kidding.

I wish I'd never become acquainted with Japanese number puzzles. They are as evil and as addicting as they sound. Don't even look into this. If you don't know what I'm talking about, be glad. Just trust me and stay far, far away from these tantalizing puzzles.

I wish I'd solved some mystery or something. Like a crime. It would be really nice to solve a crime sometime. Send me your unsolved mysteries and I will solve them.

I wish I hadn't put my rubber-backed rug right by the washing machine. It melted. It is now a part of the linoleum. I don't know how to fix something like that. That can be my first mystery - how to get my rug out of the laundry room.

I wish I hadn't lent my copy of "Old School" to my friend, Heather, who stole it from me. Where is it? Where is it!

I wish I'd taken better advantage of the offer made by those two dead, singing mice at Quizno's Sub. You know, about bringing in any coupon for a dollar off. That was a generous offer, and I really dropped the ball on that one. I miss those mice, especially the captain. I sent an e-mail to Quizno's, telling them how much I liked those mice.

They never wrote me back. Fuck those guys.

Lindsey Muth is a creative writing senior. She can be reached at

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