By Susan Bonicillo
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Sean Preston Federline.
That's the name that the formerly attractive Britney Spears and the perpetually sleazy Kevin Federline have given to their first-born son. Originally the name was going to be London, named after the place where the couple first met and fell in love, according to the new mother. However, I would think that if they were going that route then the name "Darkened subway car while elderly transient looks on" would have been more appropriate. But, then again, who among us can really understand celebrities?
I've never really liked babies myself. Like some sort of parasitic aliens, they come out of the womb bloody and writhing. I've never quite understood the appeal of parenthood, either.
Babies smell, they defecate on themselves, bad stuff comes out of both ends of their body and on top of that they can't even talk. When they do reach an age when they can communicate, they start to resent you, lock themselves in their rooms, wear only black and listen to their Tori Amos albums.
However, in the case of this new Spears and Federline baby, I'm especially opposed to procreation. This recent state of affairs begs the question: Should we as a human race allow such genes to continue into the next generation? Is the world better off now that Britney and Kevin have continued their line?
I think not.
If the United Nations really wanted to earn their salt, they'd have a commission issuing out licenses to procreate to all worthy celebrities who have IQs higher than room temperature, have no intention of ever appearing on reality TV and whose first names are not Paris.
However, though there are some stars who I would hate to think would even consider reproducing, there are some who probably should.
Though I hate to be one of the many people to mention their names again in conjunction with each other, the love story of the year, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, is just one couple that needs to bless the world with their brood.
Just think of the beautiful thing that will come about when those two rub their genitalia together.
Girl or boy, it'll be the hottest fetus ever.
So please get cracking Angie and Brad, because the age difference between me and your baby would only be 21 years if you started now.
I can wait.