By Susan Bonicillo
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Come this summer, the world will welcome the meshing of Angelina Jolie's DNA with that of Brad Pitt.
The two stars won't admit to dating each other (hell, if I were dating either of these individuals I'd already have sold the book and movie rights to that story, but there's no accounting for some people). However, despite the reticence in confirming their relationship, they're busy building up a growing family that includes Jolie's two adopted children, for whom Pitt has undergone the necessary paperwork to become their adoptive father.
For the former bride of Billy Bob Thornton, I think the world will thank her for deciding to procreate with her current paramour.
After all, let's face it: Isn't the world curious as to how beautiful this baby and eventual adult will be?
This maybe the only fetus in history that will make the rest of the world feel hopelessly inadequate. Ultrasound pictures will emerge that will be better known as baby's first glamour shots.
This little person, whoever he or she may be, has got the human equivalent of a blue-ribbon winner from the American Kennel Club. The pedigree on this child is just simply amazing.
I know I've thought about this in the past, wondered what this union between Pitt and Jolie would produce.
I'm slightly scared.
The world might not be able to handle all this attractiveness in just one human being. Will we just reach critical mass for cuteness in this world once baby learns how to smile? Just think of all the subsequent swooning once he/she gets past their awkward puberty phase (probably lasting all of seven minutes). Birds will suddenly appear anytime he/she is near.
It just might all be too much: the pouty lips, the inherited bone structure of a god, the resistance to putting on more than 3 percent body fat. All these traits combined into just one individual? The world must prepare for the onslaught.
It's like the skit from Monty Python where the world's funniest joke is being constructed. The people involved can only see one word of this joke at a time. However, one unfortunate individual sees two consecutive words of this joke and subsequently is hospitalized for about a fortnight, if memory serves right.
We need to do the same thing with this kid. Introduce him or her by ever so slight intervals of surface area. The child must be kept in seclusion until he or she can be properly and fully integrated into this world of us "normals."
After full maturity, photos will come out to produce a gradual full composite. One year, the left foot. The next year, a shoulder blade. Years would be needed to let this all sink into the collective consciousness without overloading the senses.
Eventually, after years of this gradual introduction, the Jolie-Pitt creation can finally emerge from exile into a world of people somewhat ready but hopelessly stunned to see such a creature.
We can only hope that the open-mouthed stares won't scare the child back into hiding.