ÒYou what?!Ó yelled Opinions Editor Kerry Lengel as he looked up from his Tetris game on one of the Wildcat computers. a

"You heard me," I said. "I can't write my column anymore. IÕve run out of ideas. IÕve made fun of everything Ñ the administration, ÔBeverly Hills 90210,Õ the Biospherians, ASUA, mimes and budget cuts. ThereÕs nothing left for me to do. IÕve decided to move on to another writing genre. One that people will truly read.Ó

"What's that?" asked Kerry.

"I'm going to write limeriks on bathroom stall walls across the campus,Ó I declared.

"Look, don't be rash," Kerry said. ÒTake a week off and think it over.Ó W

I left the Wildcat offices and hopped on my bike. As I was peddling down University Boulevard, I heard someone yell from behind me, ÒHey Jon!Ó I turned my head back and saw no one. It must have been my imagination. As I turned my head around, I saw the stop sign I was about to hit. Then everything went black.

When I woke up, I found myself handcuffed to a bed. Normally I donÕt mind being handcuffed to beds, but this time I was a bit disturbed. What had happened? Where was I? I looked around the room. The walls were coated with Luke Perry and ÒBeverly Hills 90210Ó posters. As I surveyed the room, I realized that I wasnÕt in an ordinary room. I was in a dorm É excuse me, residence hall room. I was still on campus. After an hour of dry-heaving from being surrounded by the Ò90210Ó paraphernalia, the door opened. A woman who looked just like actress Kathy Bates in that Stephen King movie came in and walked over toward the bed.

"how long have I been out?" I asked. ÒWhatÕs going on?Ó d

"Well, you've been here for three days,Ó she said. ÒNow are you that Jon Burstein character who writes a column for the Wildcat?Ó HBO movies in my spare time.Ó disappeared, women around campus have been mourning the loss of you and your column. A group of women have been holding a candlelight vigil outside the Wildcat offices. Administrators have even talked about dedicating a bench in your honor.Ó

"Really?"

No. I'm full of crap. I don't think anyone has noticed that youÕre gone.Ó

"Wait a minute," I said. ÒAre you a psycho-hose-beast fan who wants me to write more columns or youÕll hurt me?Ó c

"No, I don't like your columns,Ó she said. ÒI find them trite and inane. Your sentences are often convoluted and your sense of humor stinks.Ó

"Hey, it's not my fault. Once the editors get through with it ...Ó

"Silence?" she roared. "I kidnapped you because I am a generally malicious person with too much time on my hands. So IÕve decided to have a couple of my friends come over to talk to you, Mr. I-Think-IÕm-Sooooo-Funny. Now itÕs time to pay the piper.Ó o

She went over to the door and opened it. In walked ASUA President Derek Lewis followed by a gaggle of ASUA groupies. yelled. ÒYou wrote a bunch of nasty columns about ASUA and now weÕre gonna get you!Ó

"Yeah, we're gonna get you!" chimed in the ASUA crew behind him.

"By the time we're through with you, youÕll be feeling really bad,Ó Lewis said. c

"Yeah, really really bad," said the ASUA chorus.

"Are you through babbling yet?" I asked. "Jeez, all you people do is talk. What horrible things are you going to do to me?Ó

Lewis grinned and said, "First, we're gonna ... hmmm ... I havenÕt thought about it much. ÉÓ fo

"Maybe we should form a task force to decide how to hurt Jon,Ó said one of the chorus.

"Yes, we probably should," said Lewis as he nodded his head. ÒThat way we could determine the most efficient way to hurt Jon. How about we form the ASUA Task Force to Make Jon Feel Really Bad and weÕll meet Wednesday.Ó

"Cool", said one of the chorus. ÒNow letÕs get back to the ASUA offices so we can sit on the Xerox machines and make copies of our butts.Ó

The ASUA group scurried out of the room. After they left, the Biosphere 2 crew came in and started pelting me with Grape Nuts.

"You're a bad man," siad one of the Biospherians. ÒNot only did you write that nasty column about us, but I remember your face from before. You were the one who would sit outside the Biosphere and have a DominoÕs Pizza delivery man bring you food. Then you would eat it right in front of us as we pressed our faces against the glass. Bastard.Ó

"Hey, I heard there's a sale on tofu at Fry's," I said. ÒIf you hurry, you could probably make it.Ó B

The Biospherians dropped their Grape Nuts and ran out of the room. A group of administrators walked in and hovered over the bed.

The top-guy begain, "Jon, you silly litle lout. After reading your columns about budget cutbacks, we think you are completely clueless. You see, the dynamics of a research university with a high density of total grant money from É blah, blah, blah.Ó

In the middle of the speech, I fell asleep. When I woke up again, I found myself laying in the middle of the road.

Homecoming Queen Tara Meyer sauntered by, stopped and said, ÒAre you like dead or are you just pretending to be a speed bump?Ó

"No, I ran into the stop sign and had this dream with Biospherians and stuff.Ó

"Dumbass," said Meyer as she walked off

As I sat in the middle of the road, I wondered what my dream meant in the cosmic scheme of things. Will I keep this column under 1,000 words? Then it hit me. I couldnÕt stop writing my column for one simple reason..

It's too damn fun making fun of people.

Jon Burstein is a junior in journalism and political science. Look for his column next semester. Have a bitchinÕ summer (and/or life). Read Next Article