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Wednesday February 21, 2001

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Spring Training 2001 - bless you, Boys of Summer

By David Stevenson

Arizona Daily Wildcat

Our saviors in spikes, the boys of summer are here to save us from the XFL. They couldn't come fast enough.

Spring training is underway with the Arizona Diamondbacks, Colorado Rockies, and Chicago White Sox all in Tucson to train. With games starting next week, here's a guide to becoming an ultimate Tucson bleacher bum.

Stay away from Tucson Electric Park - They charge $5 for parking with the cheapest seats in the picnic area at an astronomical $11. Ushers, armed with walkie-talkies and earpieces, will escort you to your blistering-hot, individually-assigned seat. I've gotten kicked out four times for not being in the right seat. They're communists.

Flock to Hi Corbett Field - Home of the Rockies, the SandPile is $2 in bleacher format. You can sit anywhere without anyone hassling you. Ahh, much better.

Dress the part - Guys, wear shorts and reefs. Girls, you've gotta sport a tank or swimsuit top, cutoffs and sandals. Sunglasses must be worn at all times. Once you've got your seat, strip down to regular beach attire to work on the tan.

Introduce yourself - With the games at 1 p.m., everybody is skipping class. Once you find your seat, the people sitting next to you will become your friends for two hours. If you see any students walk past, tell them to sit with you. It's a club. Everyone loves baseball.

Keep your fluids up - Sneak in a flask. I'm seen with a jack and coke at all times. Keep more in the car and make several trips, it'll warm up in the icy coke. Everyone's alcohol kicks in around the 5th inning, so be sure to get to the game early.

Know the beer vendor - They'll remember your name and, once they know you, they'll swing by every inning. They'll sit down with your group and find out where everyone is supposed to be. Beer men are good men.

Know the schmos - Guys with the numbers higher than 60 aren't really ballplayers - they're only playing to fill time. Nevertheless, give a loud ovation when they get into the game. But if they fail, stand up and yell, "You're cut, get off the field!" Watch them cry.

Look for No. 73 Robert Averette of the Rockies, No. 61 Jack Cust of the D'Backs and No. 76 Tim Hummel of the White Sox - if they last that long.

Look out for the women - Chances are they're worried about their apperance and not the game, resulting in getting hit by a foul ball. I've witnessed everything from them taking one in the head to falling down the stairs while carrying an armful of Cokes just because they wanted to wear certain sandals. Step in front of a foul ball and make a friend - you never know where it might lead.

Know the enemy - 1. Mike Hampton, the newest Rockies starter, signed a contract over the break that will pay him $119 million to bash water coolers and throw gloves. 2. Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants chokes up on his bat, wears too many pads and has pictures of himself on his wristbands. Is this 1989? By the way, Bonds entered camp yesterday demanding a new contract. Classy guy. 3. Mark Grace of the Arizona Diamondbacks is old, ugly and left the Cubs for more money. Retire already.

Don't sit by yourself - If you come alone and don't feel like meeting anyone, find me along the third-base line in bleachers. I'll buy you a drink and introduce you to everyone. Be sure not talk to anyone over the age of 40, they'll ask why you're not in school and make you feel bad about ditching. Why put yourself through all that? Spring training is about fun, after all.