Jeff Ficker
Record of the Year - U2, All that You Can't Leave Behind
Some things are better left in the '80s - crimped hair, acid wash jeans...Michael Jackson. Fortunately, U2 proves that a rock band can survive punk, grunge and rap-metal trends and still come out on top. Thanks to Ireland's best export, good old-fashioned rock n' roll is here to stay.
Best New Artist - Sisq—
Choosing record of the year is like Britney Spears choosing her favorite tube top - whatever the final decision, I'll be happy. Jill Scott's soulful debut and Shelby Lynne's country-pop confection are worthy recipients. However, my money is on the Dragon. Any man who can get thong-clad rumps shakin' deserves an award.
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance - "Music," Madonna
Even though she may have put her clothes back on, Madonna is as hot as ever. Her electrofunk song outshines the competition. When Madonna is ready to hang up her cone bra and rhinestone cowboy hat, then her lip-glossed protŽgŽ, Britney Spears, can carry on the pop-tart torch. Until then, ladies, bow down before the Queen of Pop.
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance - "She Bangs," Ricky Martin
Hey kids, finally a category your Mom will love. It's a shame that Lionel Richie and Phil Collins didn't release new albums this year in order to complete this easy-listening list of nominees. I'm going to let Mrs. Ficker make the call here - she's still "Livin' La Vida Loca" with Se–or Martin.
Maggie Burnett
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance - Britney Spears, "Oops!...I Did it Again"
In the grand scheme of things, I'll probably regret saying this, but Britney Spears has definitely held her own in the pop world this year - no comments about breasts from the peanut gallery, please. Among bombshells Christina Aguilera and Madonna, Spears has proven she can, and will, "do it again" and pick up a Grammy along the way.
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance - Ricky Martin, "She Bangs"
I don't care what people say - this man knows how to shake his "bon-bon" like no other. Gay, straight or otherwise, fans will continue to follow this pop sensation, despite his sexual orientation. And besides, no one, except certain co-workers who shall remain nameless, looks as good as he does in a pair of leather pants. I wish I was the one doing the "banging" here ...
Record of the Year - Macy Gray, "I Try"
This record wins the category by default - only because the mere sound of serenading violins at the beginning of the song brings tears to my roommate's eyes every time it plays. This fact aside, who can resist Gray's raspy, soulful voice anyway? Definitely not my roommate, and certainly not the good people at the Grammys.
Best New Artist - Sisq—
Ah yes, he is quite possibly the only man alive who has gotten away with both dying his hair platinum blonde and making a smash hit out of a song dedicated to a horrendously uncomfortable piece of women's lingerie. He is the "Dragon" and frankly, choosing anyone else as Artist of the Year would be "wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong."
Phil Leckman
Best Female "Save Me," Aimee Mann
A typically weird Grammys category, equal parts serious artists and Madonna clones. Why bother nominating Britney and Christina when the original is still turning out hits? But while my heart says Madonna, my head tells me that the Material Girl has probably got dozens of these awards piled up in her closet by now. Mann, on the other hand, has been overlooked for years. Time to give her the respect she deserves.
Best Male "She Bangs," Ricky Martin
"Pop" this year apparently means either "Latin" or "washed up" - why bother nominating Don Henley? I'll have to go with Latin, and while "She Bangs" is basically "Livin' La Vida Loca" by another name, Ricky Martin's cool new shag haircut gets him the nod. Superficial, but then so is this category...
Record of the Year "Beautiful Day," U2
Hmmm...a confusing category. Wasn't Macy Gray nominated last year for this same record? This is a showdown between old school (Madonna, U2 ) and new blood (Destiny's Child, 'Nsync), and this time experience wins. "Beautiful Day" is U2's best track since Achtung Baby - the old guys may be dialing it in at this point, but they prove they've still got it.
Best New Artist: Sisq—
I've never even heard of three of these other nominees. Papa Roach, while good at what they do, still need to prove they're something more than Rage Against the Machine wannabes - why wasn't At the Drive-In nominated? So why Sisq—? Has anyone else ever sung about underwear with that kind of passion? If the platinum-haired one ever decides to turn his vocal talents to something beyond "dumps like a truck," look out world.
Vanessa Francis
Record of the Year - Macy Gray, "I Try"
At last, a record with heart and soul. Not since Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill has an artist bitten and scratched themselves to the top of the charts. Gray's sound - a throwback to Tina Turner's voice - surpasses all others in the category in terms of punchiness and originality.
Best New Artist - Shelby Lynne
Oddly, this year's crop of newbies, with the exception of Sisq—, are surprisingly not groundbreaking in terms of image and sound. Although none seem to be future inductees to the Hall of Fame, Shelby Lynne's smooth transition from country to pop provides breezy, unassuming songs to an appreciative audience.
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance - "Music," Madonna
Motherhood has no chance of slowing down this diva. "Music" is a worthy short visit back to Madonna's club songs "Into the Groove" and "Burning Up." This time around, "Music" is sung with her post- "Evita" toned vocal chords. She does no wrong, even after two decades and three hair colors.
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance - "She Bangs," Ricky Martin
"She Bangs" is essentially the least of the five evils nominated. The song oozes sexual energy, much like Martin himself. A solid horn section with above-average lyrics, "She Bangs" like the lyrics "Looks like a flower, but stings like a bee."
