By
Ryan Finley
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Editor's note: Once a week, Ryan Finley feels as if it's his duty to make some "observations" and put them in a column. You'll call them terrible. He calls it "dot dot dot"...Idiot.
No more Bobby Knight takes, I swear...
...Maybe I've been watching WAY too much Olympics on TV, but I think the U.S. baseball team defeating Cuba in the gold-medal game has got to be one of the biggest upsets in modern Olympic history. Cuba is a baseball hotbed: I mean, have you ever seen footage of kids playing stickball in the streets of Havana? These kids can turn the double-play at like age five or something... Although I did seem to recognize the Cuban national team's second baseman. Elian?...
...I've added one more person to the list of people who I would not like to run into in a dark alley: Russian gymnast Svetlana Khorkinia. I mean, she reminds me of an uptight Bond Girl, without, of course, any sort of charm or beauty...
...She joins, among others, the wife of former Carolina Panthers' running back Fred Lane, who has been arrested amid speculation that she robbed banks prior to killing her husband. I could just imagine dinnertime at the Lane house. "Put your hands up! And pass me the peas."
...Everybody's abuzz about Olympian C.J. Hunter, who tested positive five times for steroids prior to the Olympics. Cut the guy some slack - if your wife was Marion Jones, arguably the most toned woman in the world, you'd be hitting the juice, too. Keep roiding, brother!
...I was at the video rental place yesterday, looking for movies. It's amazing what kind of sports movies are out there if you look for them:
...Ryan Leaf stars in "The Jerk," a movie about a football player raised by wolves until he learns to throw touchdowns.
..."Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" - hilarity ensues when curmudgeons Bill Parcells and Ted Williams, loaded with Super Big Gulps, road trip from their homes to their favorite fishing spot. Who will lose their control of their bladder first?
..."Grumpy Old Men" - isn't this one about Bobby Knight and Pete Rose arguing about how the world is against them, occasionally stopping to curse out a reporter or show a roomful of people some soiled toilet paper?
..."Free Willy 2: the Rescue" - Trailblazers forward Shawn Kemp reports to training camp at an astounding 450 pounds. A heart-wrenching tale about fans' efforts to save their favorite thuggish forward...
..."Mark Chmura's How To Be A Player"- look out, Bill Bellamy! Beleaguered Packers tight end Mark Chmura juggles a babysitter, a girl scout troop and a junior varsity cheer squad, all while keeping his wife in the dark...
..."Raising Arizona" - Wildcat quarterback Ortege Jenkins surprises the world, raising the 2000 UA season from the depths of the Pac-10 to the first Rose Bowl berth in school history. It's my column, and I can wish for whatever I want...
...and finally, "Urban Cowboy"- former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin - broke from a life of crack cocaine and prostitutes - becomes a manager of an Urban Outfitters, where he sells candles and Capri pants to giggling sorority girls....
...So I'll see you at the movies! Don't forget to bring some popcorn, a crack pipe and some underage women (Michael Irvin only).
