By
Lora J. Mackel
Two weeks to the election and the race remains a dead heat. No one thinks that these candidates are equally matched in skill, so why the matching poll numbers? What they reflect is a universal lethargy in the electorate. After more money than the GNP of several small Latin American countries has been spent, a year of speeches, a year of proposals, accusations of scare tactics and "fuzzy math," the country still hasn't made up its mind. All signs point to boredom with both the political process and politicians. Before the country completely abandons its electoral system, we should explore some new ideas to enliven the political process. Here are a few modest proposals, designed to nurse our critically wounded democracy back to health.
Our democratic process lately has been obsessed with the issue of campaign finance reform. So much time and energy has been spent on this issue that it has detracted from the actual election. How can we expect politicians to put on a campaign for the public, while simultaneously raising millions from private donors. After all, politicians are only human. Instead, races should be determined by the amount of money raised by candidates. Campaigns are a waste of time and energy, where as political fundraising demonstrates the overall skills of diplomacy and organization of the politician. Instead of being chided by the public, politicians should be rewarded for their efforts. Money, according to the Supreme Court, is only free speech in paper form. What is more fitting for a democracy than winning an election with heaps and heaps of free speech?
Since the overwhelming majority of Americans are moderates in their political beliefs, they deserve the perfect centrist candidate. Modern science, with its amazing advances in genetics, could answer this call. If DNA could be extracted from Tom Delay and Ted Kennedy, spliced, and then placed in an ovum, and then implanted in the famed sheep Dolly, only months later would the world have its perfect middle-of-the-road candidate. Not only would this triumph of science have the perfect political beliefs, its sheep instincts would make it the perfect follower of the poll. Baa.
In a nod to the reality TV shows made so popular this summer, the primary season should be scrapped in favor of a presidential "Survivor." Can you imagine your candidate, stripped of his suit, and starving on an island in the South Pacific? When the public tuned in, it could see how the candidates really react under pressure, and how they look without blush. That alone would make it worth while.
All politicians' hearts could be brought before Osiris and measured against the feather of truth. Those who were found to be unworthy would be devoured by a horrible beast, all others would be allowed to run for the presidency. Of course, this would lead to a severe shortage of politicians. Oh, if only it were that easy.
In a move that borrows from our Greco-Roman-inspired culture, the high office should be filled by a lottery drawing. Sure, it's extreme, but these are extreme times. If all citizens were made eligible for office, a diverse cross-section of the population would surely enter into it, relieving us of this awful white male streak we've got going. Plus, if they had prior knowledge that any Tom, Dick or Harry could be president, the Congress might be spurred on by fear to reform our public education system. A well educated population is, after all, prepared for every eventuality.
Instead of duking it out verbally in debates, the presidential candidates should hold three boxing matches. Physical strength has been left out of the equation for too long. We don't want a sissy for a president, do we? When the time comes, our president should be prepared to lay the smack down on Vladimir Putin, or any other punk that gets in our way.
Finally, the poor and the homeless have been left out of our discussions this election cycle. Food banks have dwindling food supplies and donations. To solve this food crisis, we should look to new sources of nourishment. What could be more satisfying than pork barrel-fed politicians roasting over a squatters fire on a cold winter's night? One politician could easily feed a multitude, and it is time that we seriously look at this as a solution to our shortages. See you all in Canada on Nov. 8.
