Illustration by Josh Hagler

After 74 years of the same old golden trophy show, the Academy released its list of nominees on Tuesday along with a plethora of big surprises. Hosting the ceremony this year: Hollywood sweetheart and my grandpa, Jerry. The 82-year-old La Costa man has no experience in film, but he does have a repertoire of jokes that's expected to keep the national audience rolling in the aisles of their homes.

And although not a "Hollywood sweetheart" in the technical sense, Jerry once did business with Jack Lemmon and is well liked in his small Southern California housing community. The Academy expects Jerry's presentation will be "authentic" and hopes his unique brand of wit will "hit home with the massive viewing public that the film industry has alienated over the past several decades."

"People always told me I ought to be on a stage," responded Jerry about the honor. "The first one out of town."

The Academy is also experimenting with an entirely new format this year. Instead of a high-class gala with red carpet, designer dresses and selective invites, the award ceremony will be held, "somewhere funky, you know, like a disco or something," surrounded by winners of a national hot dog eating contest. According to an Academy press release, they "are expecting about 200 moderate-to-hefty men who can swallow at least 30 hot dogs in three minutes." Audience hopeful Buddy Harris shared his sentiments that "it's about time competition eaters got the respect (they) deserve." The Academy has stated, however, that their audience selection "is not so much out of respect for hot dog eaters as it is a political statement... Hollywood recognizes that not everyone's tall, thin and beautiful."

The academy has also put forth a list of nominations for new awards, such as "best departure from historical reality," and, "best modern American dialogue adapted to Shakespeare and the like." Awards will also be given for "most creative product placement," and "least conspicuous liberal agenda."

Perhaps the biggest surprise this year is the redesigned Oscar trophy. To replace the gold-plated little man, for years a symbol of chauvinism and misogyny, the Academy has approved a similar, but hermaphroditic, replacement. "It's freakishly anatomically correct," says British designer Hans Fortune. "It's got all its bits and pieces, and then some."

It has also been rumored that, in an attempt to make the awards purely cinematic, the ceremony will be filmed and shown in theaters for $8-12 a pop. "Hey," said an Academy spokesman, "we've gotta pay for those new awards."

The movie-going public has responded positively to most of the changes. According to one avid fan, "The movie industry has been giving itself awards for years - making competition eaters and other non-celebrities a part of it is long overdue." Some fans are urging the Academy to keep improving: "It's a good start, but we need to do more to blow this thing into prime time. More pyrotechnics, mainly. And more actors making self-effacing jokes about their agents and egos. Woo! Funny, funny stuff."

Of course, not all cinemaniacs are expecting great things. One dissenter expressed a common fear that, "the Academy is the one constant, comforting force in this chaotic, horrible world - and now; it's just like everything else. How are we supposed to know what movies to like before nominations if we can't even rely on the basic predictability of the Oscars? It's madness!"

The Academy responded to fears, citing its policy, "to be always predictable, sentimental and politically hyperactive."

Despite the reassurance, however, fans are beginning to doubt the Academy's legitimacy. "Good things don't change," said one conservative movie-goer. "The fact that the Oscars changed washes away 73 years of reliability. If I can't rely on them to validate my artistic tastes, who can I rely on? No one. That's who."

Experts agree that institutions that give themselves awards should be consistent so that the awards they give themselves retain value. "If the Academy loses its credibility," said one expert, "people won't trust the Oscar as the last word on movies, directors and actors.

"If that happens, the entire family of film awards will have to carry the burden. Sundance and the Golden Globes just aren't up to it."

But what about film critics? Aren't there enough of them to pick up the slack? Sadly, no. And while some critics may give away their own awards, they cannot parallel the Academy's authority.

So let's keep our fingers crossed. If the Oscars survive the revamping, we're in the clear.

And if they don't...

We'll have to figure out what we like on our own.