Wednesday September 5, 2001

Illustration by Josh Hagler

So I was watching TV the other night, just flipping through my four channels, when I came across something I never expected to see again: The Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. There he was, older, larger and all of the other adjectives that age creates, while surrounded by caricatures of his younger days so there was no way for the audience to forget how he used to be.

His main role was to introduce the "talent." Almost all of these performers were long past their prime if they'd ever reached it in the first place, and most of them I had never even heard of. The ones I had heard of, I never expected to hear from again, with the exception of a compilation CD or a trip to my grandmother's bridge club.

Gloria Gaynor was the first guest I saw, still surviving on "I Will Survive." Her accompaniment was entirely synthesized, which gave her performance a real Karaoke feel that the people like.

I also saw a white-haired gentleman named Jack Jones (who used to be big, seriously big) apply a fake white mustache and goatee, sport a plastic knight costume, and give a chilling performance of a "Man of La Mancha" medley. Don Quixote has a brand new face and a brand new illusion.

It was pretty obvious what they were doing here. Kids with MD need to be told to survive and to dream the impossible dream, but are these really the sources they're looking for?

While the singers were bad, the comedians were worse. The first guy I saw opened with the crowd-pleasing question: By round of applause, how many men out there understand women? There was no applause, and the people laughed. Then came: How many women understand men? Applause galore. This was immediately followed by: Then how come you can never get the remote control? The crowd went wild. I think they were people who couldn't get into the 700 Club taping in the studio next door.

Comedian No. 2 was Dick Capri ,who, as most of you undoubtedly remember, was big in the Catskills. He started with the declaration that his comedy doesn't need four-letter words and it's not the kind comedy that the kids today like. His first joke was that he's worked with so many Jewish people, he's on Schindler's List. Get it? "Schindler's List." You know... like the movie.

Aside from this "entertainment," Lewis would occasionally hand the reins off to one of his co-hosts, Ed McMahon, the apparently eternal sideman, and some hot little number whose name never seemed to matter. It was her job to introduce the people who were living with various forms of MD. Each segment started with some Sax by the Fire music and clips of the people in their hometowns.

These clips showed a Rockwellian America long forgotten by most of the United States. One clip showed a boy shaking hands with firemen at a local station with an actual Dalmatian running around. Another showed a man whose dream of being a farmer was crushed when he found out he had MD. Apparently people in inner cities are immune to the illness.

Whoever compiled the clips also seemed to think that a good way to pull the heartstrings was to make the subjects of the clips appear pathetic. Doctors encouraged one boy to participate in a solo sport since he was incapable of competing in team sports. They told him that karate would be perfect for him, and then they showed a clip of him falling down while trying to do a front kick.

They kept saying that people's donations were going to send kids to camp, and one of the clips they showed from camp was of a person throwing a ball at a kid who didn't catch it. It just kind of bounced off his face. I wouldn't want to go to that camp. I've been to camp, and the possibility of getting a swirlie was bad enough, but pair that with people throwing things at you while others videotape it, is where I draw the line.

I'm not saying that MD isn't a great cause, because it is, but if the message is the medium, then what exactly is the message? If it's that Muscular Dystrophy was a fight of the past and a relic resting beside the deceptive ideals and dreams of a post-WWII pre-Vietnam America that has been replaced by more trendy illnesses like AIDS and breast cancer in the attention of the media and celebrities of today - then I've got the message. But that can't be it. Can it?