Daniel Cucher

With all of the talk lately about tuition hikes, hiring freezes and staff cuts, it sounds to me like UA can use some cash. Hoping to do my part as a dedicated student, I met up with UAB Comedy Corner director Justin Morkunas to brainstorm for fund-raising ideas UA can use to balance its budget. After hours of pain-staking discussion, we humbly present our suggestions for the university's consideration.

Complete and unabashed corporate sellout

We all know corporate sponsorship is already a driving force behind the athletic department and many other campus facilities. Why not kick sponsorship into high gear and turn the Mall into a veritable Times Square of billboards, giant TVs and neon advertisements? Aside from coloring and animating the dull desert landscape, UA can pull in millions of advertising dollars.

We should be doing much more to exploit major corporations' need to exploit us. There is no end to the measures UA can take to turn this campus into the world's biggest corporate showcase. We can start by renaming McKale Center for the highest bidder. The Wildcats won't mind shooting hoops in the newly renovated Dunkin' Donuts Athletics Center.

And to beef up UA real estate, we can expand our demographic by bleaching giant corporate logos into the Mall grass. That way, we'll reach not only UA students and faculty but also U.S. Air Force pilots flying overhead. And let's not forget about the consumers who don't attend UA but watch our sporting events on television. We can maximize our airtime by getting rid of Wilma Wildcat and replacing her with corporate mascots, like Tony the Tiger or Michael Jordan. And, we can promote an upcoming movie by booting Wilbur Wildcat and bringing in Spiderman.

Nap room

Students and faculty with exhausting schedules could use a few minutes of sleep between classes. Unfortunately, some of us live too far away from campus and are stuck napping on prickly dead grass, or cold, rigid library chairs. Let's have a three-acre napping complex erected on stilts above the UA Mall, (We've already build beneath it.) We can pay a few bucks for an hour or so of shut-eye on comfortable, private cots. Singles or doubles. Lullaby soundtrack optional.

Sell locks of Lute Olson's hair

The man's a living legend. We could pull in a lot of green by auctioning off generous snippets of Lute's flowing mane. I know of a few prospective buyers looking to help their jump shots with a lock of good luck. We can also sell clippings of Dr. Andrew Weil's beard for good health and shavings from President Likins' five o' clock shadow to flavor coffee and tea.

Charge cover at the student union

Ever since the new union's expensive construction and the addition of Panda Express to the plethora of fast food options, the entire campus smells like a cheap Chinese restaurant. We can use the extra money to invest in a massive deodorizing system to cleanse the air of greasy chow mein.

Replace general education with physical education

Instead of mundane classes like geography, the university should require money-saving courses such as "New Parking Lot Construction" and "UA Mall Trash Collection and Plant Maintenance." While this won't generate income for the university, it will cut down on UA labor costs.

Lease out the football team

The athletics program is one of the biggest moneymakers on campus. Let's make the most of our talent by renting out football players as hired goons. We can use UA athletes to rough up people who owe us money, or simply pay them to help us move into a new apartment. And to bolster UofA Bookstore sales, Likins can send the football team to trash the local competition. Rother's and Antigone can arm themselves by leasing UA's archery team. The university profits on both ends. Profit, after all, is the bottom line.

Hopefully, the Arizona Board of Regents will strongly consider Justin's and my recommendations when they meet next week to discuss raising tuition. This campus is a partially-tapped gold mine. Let's make the most out of it and keep tuition down and parking cheap. But, most importantly, let's take the wealth squeezed out of students and corporations and pay our professors to stick around. We don't need any more diamond-plated bike paths. We need brainpower. Without it, UA's just a big anthill, steadily building and starving to death.

Thanks to Justin Morkunas for his helpful insight into university opportunities for shameless exploitation. He and Comedy Corner put on a show every Wednesday night at 10:15, in Modern Languages, Room 350.