Illustration by Cody Angell

Did you hear? Scientists have found conclusive evidence of life on Mars. For some reason, it hasnāt been widely reported in the media, so you likely have yet to hear about it. If you havenāt, let me be the first to share the news with you:

From ABCNews.com: "High-resolution images snapped by NASAās Mars Global Surveyor show that levels of frozen water and carbon dioxide at the Red Planetās poles have dwindled dramatically ÷ by more than 10 feet ÷ over a single Martian year (equivalent to 687 days or about two Earth years)." To put it into simpler terms, the article says, "It might seem like the weatherās getting warmer here on Earth, but Mars appears to have an even bigger global warming problem."

There you go. Irrefutable proof that Mars is full of living beings. Not only that; this is clear evidence that Martian society is, at the very least, as technologically advanced as ours.

Let me clarify: Environmentalists claim that our own global warming is being caused by fossil fuel emissions by automobiles and industries. Now if thatās true ÷ which it is, of course, because environmentalists have no reason to make stuff up ÷ Martians have begun to alter their own planetās temperature through similar means, and to an even greater extreme than what weāve done to our planet.

I suppose this extraordinary discovery is bittersweet. On one hand, we now know that weāre not alone in the universe. On the other, we know that our neighbors might not be around much longer if they continue with the lifestyle theyāve chosen.

So what can we do about the Martiansā global warming problem? Theyāre obviously unaware of the unalterable damage theyāre causing to their planetās environment. Theyāre oblivious to the needs of cutting fossil fuel emissions from their greedy corporate industries and gas-guzzling SUVs. Otherwise, they certainly would have done something about it by now, just as we have.

Frankly, folks, I donāt see that we have a choice in the matter. We have to warn them, and we have to warn them now.

Donāt worry. I have a plan. We need to round up all of Earthās environmentalists ÷ hey, there must be a lot of Martians over there to do this much damage to their planet in such a short period of time, so getting the message out will require a great deal of manpower ÷ and send them on a mass mission to Mars. Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, Earth First! and all other pro-nature, anti-industrial, socially-conscious individuals ÷ Western Europe, Iām looking in your direction ÷ letās get them over there as soon as possible to spread the word.

I realize NASA was planning on waiting another 20-30 years before undertaking a manned expedition to Mars, but frankly, we donāt have that long. Weāll just have to do with the technology we have. Letās get some shuttles up and running right away. No time to figure out how to get everyone back right now; weāll worry about the small details later.

The message we need to send to Mars is clear: You only have one planet. And no, you canāt come here, because weāre already overpopulated and our planet can only withstand so much ÷ the environmentalists wouldnāt lie about that either. You need to realize that money and greed lead to the destruction of nature. You need to see that living a simpler, less capitalist-driven life is the only way for your planet to survive. And if youāre not open to these ideas, then we hope you like it nice and hot, because thatās what youāll have coming and thatās what youāll deserve.

Okay, maybe we shouldnāt give up on them that easily. Maybe we should enact a similar, Kyoto Protocol-like treaty into the Martian culture. It may be necessary to restrict their fossil fuel emissions by force. While hurting their economy may do more harm than good short term-wise, in the long run, theyāll thank us for leading them to a more caring, interdependent way of life.

And best of all, theyāll be alive to send us that thanks.

Look, I know we have a long way to go on our own planet. Until we get rid of all low gas mileage cars and filth-spewing factories, weāre not out of danger. But Mars has it even worse than us.

Thinking outside our own borders is always essential. Right now, itās time to think outside our own atmosphere.