Illustration by Josh Hagler

Wednesday October 17, 2001

If this country really wants to be safe from evil outside forces that wish us great pain and misfortune, then we need to get ourselves a "prayer shield." That's right, folks, just two simple words to solve all of our problems. I'll say it again to let it sink in a little bit. Prayer shield.

But what, dear Zack, is a prayer shield?

That's an excellent question, and I'm glad you posed it. Let me tell you about it. I was introduced to the idea of the prayer shield just last week when listening to "This American Life" on NPR. It turns out that there's a church in Colorado Springs, Colo., called the New Life Church that's doing some really exciting things in the wide world of prayer. For starters, they are systematically praying at every single home and business in their city. They go block-by-block and door-by-door and pray in front of each and every building. That doesn't sound the least bit creepy.

Putting this glorious little project together takes a lot of people. They have what they call "prayer teams" that, thanks to the aid of computers and a series of charts, statistics and other scientific tools, are able to pinpoint the neighborhoods that need their prayers the most, and then they go there and slowly spiral their way out, praying the whole time. They also have people in their ranks who can just kind of sense the evil. For some reason this most frequently happens around porno shops and drama classes.

Some of these "prayer walkers" are gifted in the art of finding the prayer-needy by searching for more tangible signs - like an unkempt yard, for example. If there's a house with a shaggy lawn and untrimmed hedges, then it is a clear sign that the family that lives there is too busy fighting with each other to get the yard work done. There's absolutely no other explanation. None, whatsoever.

Don't even try to think of one. Really. Don't.

And when these dedicated soldiers' feet get tired at the end of the day, do they give up on their ever-so-important duties? No! They sit at home or in church, open up the phonebook and they pray for each and every person, name by name. I wouldn't lie to you about this. What wonderful work! And it doesn't sound crazy at all! But enough of the small stuff. Now on to the PRAYER SHIELD!!

A prayer shield is this, my friends: For 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, people are praying. This praying creates, to quote a member of the church as heard on "This American Life," "a biosphere of spiritual dynamics in the heavenlies." Now that makes sense.

I mean, of course. What better way to spend your time? Praying is much more important than doing dinky little things like community service or volunteer work. Prayer is your direct connection with God, and he always comes through. Because he's real. Really. The Bible says so, and books don't lie.

The next thing you'll try to tell me is that the cow didn't really jump over the moon. Tchyah! Right.

Now I know what you're probably thinking. You're thinking: "Now I know that God is real, but this is just another one of those wonderful but exclusive little upstart churches with great ideas about getting to him faster using innovative devices like poisoned Kool-Aid and spaceships, but you'd be wrong. This is a church for everyone, a self-proclaimed mega-church boasting over 6,000 members, and that means business. It's like a Super K-Mart but with God - a winning combination by anyone's standards.

Prayer Shield is the answer and it can work for everyone. The best thing about it is that it's currently a blue-light special, and if you act now, it comes with a full, two-year warrantee. It's guaranteed to withstand anything that Satan can throw at it including, but not exclusive to: Beelzebullets, Missiletopheles and even the dreaded Devil Boom-boom. I also hear that the prayer technicians over at the New Life Church are now working on plans for a prayer missile-defense system that they're tentatively calling "Prayers Go Ballistic." I think it's pretty catchy.