Illustration by Cody Angell

I was not moved. I do not feel how a patriotic American should feel in a time of war. The self-righteous spirit that has swept the country was inspiring to many Americans in the wake of Sept. 11 but not me. As I watched the news that morning, I felt the same hatred and fright that every American, no · every human felt on the day.

I felt complete and utter disgust that someone would be willing to kill so many innocent civilian lives and not feel any regret. And when I watched the Osama bin Laden tapes, in which he boasted about the killings, my feeling of revulsion intensified. But I still did not feel some sense of nationalistic devotion toward America.

I visited Fort Huachuca last winter break, and while I was there, I saw the faces of the soldiers on that base - and I was baffled. Their eyes were so brave despite the bleakness of their situation and what they might have to do. But you know what? It still didn't affect me that much.

I still went on ranting and raving about how messed up, pointless and inhumane the war was.

I noted how the number of innocent Afghans killed has risen to more than 3,000. That is more than those who were tragically killed on Sept. 11. Are their lives, for some inane pathetic reason, worth less than ours?

No, but you and I both know and have to come to grips with the fact that we went into this war knowing that more innocents would die for freedom. The reason all those wonderful soldiers are going to Afghanistan: freedom. Ironic, isn't it?

Despite the precision of American "strikes," a large number of innocents have been killed. But it didn't matter before, and it doesn't matter now.

But finally someone spoke up. The Organization of the Islamic Conference said its secretary-general has demanded an inquiry into the alleged massacre of hundreds after the fall of Kunduz near Mazar-e-Sharif in November.

The United Nations is looking into the possibility of international human rights groups investigating this report. Surprise, surprise - America and Britain have dismissed the idea of an inquiry - suggesting that perhaps those deaths aren't even worthy of an investigation, much less some kind of apology or even acknowledgement.

But something changed during the time I raged about the deplorable circumstances for all those people. Something has happened that has affected me in a very personal and humbling way. My father has been called to duty somewhere in that region. My dad. Not someone else's dad, but my dad. And you know something? That changes everything.

When it's your own blood that will be one of the soldiers leaving on the mission, you stop thinking about everyone else and concentrate on yourself for a minute.

I became selfish.

I am not moved by this patriotic mumbo jumbo because - guess what, Uncle Sam - that doesn't mean my dad is staying. I don't give a rat's ass what people think is fair or not fair because most likely they aren't worried about the safety and welfare of any individual who is the center of their world.

All the petty matters of this world seem to disintegrate into nothingness, and all I want are facts.

I started looking into other news organizations besides CNN and Bloomberg. I don't know if you are aware, but practically every paper of this world has some information that the others don't have. Propaganda from American news media is blurring some of the truth about deployment.

I know these soldiers are brave, yet they must also be understandably confused. They are trying to do their jobs and follow orders. It is just unfortunate that their job includes war. I am so happy that my dad is not in infantry or artillery and offers a different skill to this mission. InshaAllah everything will be OK.

Times like these call for a calm and peaceful mind - not one that rages and creates trouble. Finally, I am admitting it is a war and not just a crazy mission that Bush and Rumsfeld are having us believe.

There are real people in this. In the black-and-white pictures that I breezed through a few days ago, I am now looking at each individual face and wondering what they may be feeling.

The father of one of those 20-year-old Afghan girls is just as important as my dad. She loves him just like I love my dad, and they want the exact same peace of mind that I want.

This war is not about my dad. And it's not about patriotism. But it should teach us a lesson - hypocrisy does not prove anything. If we mirror the same ignorance and cruelty to the people in Afghanistan that al-Qaida and bin Laden gave us, it does not make us any better. The innocent deaths that have occurred since Sept. 11 are not any less tragic

If we really are a more civilized nation, we must think outside the borders.