Illustration by Cody Angell

Oh lordy, now. Troubles so hard. Don't nobody know my troubles but God. And Moby. At least that is what turkeys across America are thinking as they contemplate their existence over the coming week before Thanksgiving. The long-time animal rights activist has teamed up with PETA to fight widespread injustice against Meleagris gallopavo.

Reuters issued an article on Nov. 6, 2002, that detailed Moby's efforts to get people to call Butterball's turkey hotline to protest. He wants people to tell Butterball, "there is no proper way to kill and cook these beautiful birds."

The crux of his argument, according to a PETA spokesman, is that captive-bred turkeys are too big. Their abnormal size leads to "skeletal deformities, disease and heart attacks." This comes in addition to the contention that it is wrong to eat animals. In Moby's explanation to Reuters on his choice to become a vegan, he said, "I decided then and there (when he was 21) that there was enough suffering in the world. I didn't want to be responsible for the suffering of animals."

That's a noble position. There's nothing wrong with his choice to lead an animal flesh-free lifestyle. If people feel that way, no one should stand in their way. The problem is that the Moby-PETA stance crosses the line in its assignment of rights.

Jason Baran

Turkeys ÷ like other fowl, cattle and chimps ÷ shouldn't be granted the same, or even similar, rights as man. Why? Simply put: They are not human. Check any biology texts. Turkeys aren't Homo gallopavo any more than is your average house cat. This doesn't mean anyone should let Johnny go after the cat with a firecracker. That's malicious.

It's a different story for food animals. Raising food animals ÷ for those who enjoy a tasty burger ÷ doesn't involve malicious behavior. Raising big turkeys, cattle and chicken is necessary. This may come with some seemingly unpleasant side effects, but that doesn't really matter. These are turkeys, not humans. They are raised to feed people. They don't have cognitive skills and don't know that they could be running free. They don't know the difference and it doesn't matter. Why? They are turkeys.

Locke and others wrote about the natural rights of man ÷ not turkey. The Emancipation Proclamation made no reference to fowl of any kind. The great proliferators of rights ÷ the United Nations ÷ didn't see fit

to include pigs and chickens in their 1948 declaration of rights; it was the Universal Declaration of Human Rights for a reason.

If Moby, et al, want to complain about turkey-raising methods, they're free to do so. Perhaps they should think about it in terms of the health effects on humans. What does this hormone- injected, cardiac-strained turkey meat do to humans? If it's anything less than make them tired after dinner, they should move on.

Of all the world's issues, it is nearly incomprehensible that such an effort in time and resources would be made on such a trivial issue. PETA should take a look at Bill Gates. He's a busy man. It takes a lot of time to run his business and stay on top of the market. He looked past turkey oppression and found something worthwhile: AIDS in India. The Gates Foundation last week pledged $100 million to fight the spread of AIDS in India. AIDS in Russia, India and China were the topic of George F. Will's Newsweek article last week. They've got a problem on their hands.

Want something closer to home? Literacy, family disintegration, substance abuse and child exploitation could all use a lot of attention and resources.

Do turkeys really need your attention, Moby? Thanks to the misplaced activity of extreme animal rights activists, the nation is really off-course. Take the Annual Pardon of the White House Turkey that started with President Truman. Is that really necessary?

So, this Thanksgiving, as President Bush pardons this year's turkey, think of Moby and all the people at PETA who are working toward a better life for that tom and millions like him.

Oh lordy, now. Troubles so high. Don't nobody know my troubles but God. Ask the illiterate, fatherless, prostitute ten-year-old daughter of a crack-addict mom.