Illustration by Dan Sidler

Timidly and cautiously, the two explorers look to the left, then to the right, then back down again at their already crumpled map. Red brick, untrimmed palm trees and dead grass fill their peripheral. Blazing heat scorches the hairless ÷ but not hatless ÷ head of the defeated hunter. Clad in a red polo shirt, he gazes about, dumbfounded. A small, artificial comfort begins to encompass him as he realizes his outfit is camouflaged with the thousands of animals around him. That is, except for his plaid, mid-thigh length shorts and knee-high white socks.

Swoooosh! A biker cruises by too close for comfort, only inches away from his mono-colored, Velcro K-Mart brand sneakers. The breeze from the passerby tears his map from his horrified clutches and it flutters into a patch of prickly pear cactus. Frustrated, his normally kindhearted wife whirls him around by his cold, shaking hand and says, "Honey, I swear it is this way. Don't you remember going down this street during freshman orientation?"

The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Erwin, enthusiastically interjects as he spots the scene: "Look here, mate. This is an unbelievable find. Rarely do you ever find the female leading the male around like a lost puppy. These two creatures are members of the species Îparentithicus.' And although quite common in other parts of the world, it is remarkable to find them strayed so far from their natural habitat ÷ the real world ÷ and onto the anomalous euphoria of a college campus. But why do they look so scared? Ah, yeah, it is because they are surrounded by the vicious plethora of bicycle mayhem. Run ol' fella, run!"

Very soon, our campus is going to be invaded by these strange creatures ÷ one pair that you lovingly call your parents ÷ who will be wandering around aimlessly looking for their sons' and/or daughters' residence halls, sororities or fraternities.

All of us wiser non-freshmen knew Family Weekend was quickly approaching when we noticed that the flower garden in front of the Administration building had suddenly been replanted with red and blue alive-only-for-one-week flowers. Building fronts had all been newly raked, and the UA Mall was being tidied up. Yep, Family Weekend was so close that we could practically smell the cookies and envelopes full of cold cash in the air.

Soon, the construction fences will be taken down (Construction going on here, where?) and white tents will be prepared to house the free gifts and packages for those parents who signed up for the weekend activities.

But for those of us whose parents, thankfully, are not coming down to add to the madness, we are preparing ahead of time. Going to the ILC to do homework on a Saturday is a miserable idea, knowing that families will be flocking from taking pictures of Old Main to attending the football tailgating party, with a quick stop to gander at the multimillion dollar facility that their taxes helped build. And, we should get to the football game early so someone else's dad isn't sitting in our favorite spot!

That's right. The way campus is on Family Weekend is not exactly the same as it usually is. East Speedway Boulevard is crammed with traffic, and the greek community is all wearing their newly printed "Family Weekend" shirts that will end up at Goodwill in three years. Homework is being put off until Sunday night (wait, that isn't different) and dorm rooms are being cleaned by pushing it all under the bed. Half-naked women posters are taken down, and bottles of Captain Morgan are put in the cupboards behind the cereal.

We're all college students on our best behavior. It's time to show our parents that we've made it on our own, and that "C" on the first chemistry test (and that's after the curve) isn't so bad after all, even though two weeks ago we called home crying. Your mom will be really impressed by your shorts tan line, but confused when you put on a sweatshirt at halftime because it is "getting a bit chilly."

Although the 150 percent increase of chaos due to Family Weekend disrupts the daily grind of school, it is time to put your arm around your parents and show them the home you've found among your new Wildcat family. We can agree to be glad that Family Weekend only happens once a year. But we cannot be happier and more thankful that parents are a 365-day event.

Thank you parents ÷ and welcome to the UA!