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Issue of the Week: Presidential platforms
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Illustration by Holly Randall
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Arizona Daily Wildcat
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
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With ASUA primaries underway and the general election just around the corner, we decided to indulge our columnists' delusions of grandeur and ask them, "If you were campaigning for student body president, what would your platform be?"
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Jennifer Kursman
Columnist
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What students really need
As ASUA president, I would put my ear to the ground and listen to students' most pressing campus concerns. After carefully contemplating the feasibility of several campaign proposals, I have decided upon the following (And rest assured, unlike some candidates, I will keep my promises!):
Rapidly build a massive escalator, complete with its own high-speed moving walkway, over the construction area that will become the Alumni Plaza. Students are constantly late to class because they have to take a major detour, all in the name of our hallowed alumni.
To finance this project, I propose terminating approximately half of the UA's teaching staff. Low salaries are already pulling great instructors from this university; why not speed up the process? Besides, everyone knows a new plaza is more important than faculty retention.
Bring some head-banging bands to CatFest next year. The turnout this fall was pathetic. If mosh pit antics are a concern, simply hire more security guards with the funds from the fired professors.
My platform is the most realistic of them all. Don't forget to vote for me!
Jennifer Kursman is a biochemistry freshman. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Focus on problems we can change
We're in the midst of ASUA elections again, and just as I have since junior high school, I will exercise my option not to vote in a student government election. But if for some reason I found myself in the highly unlikely and uncomfortable position of running for president, there are a few things I would want to see changed:
ASUA proceedings should focus on things that are pertinent to the UA and its surrounding area (but only if the topics pass through a comprehensive vetting process). If the senators and elected officials actually cared about the campus community and not just feeling important, there'd be no need for wasting time debating resolutions about global issues about which ASUA has no real reason to officially voice a position.
While the idea to have the week of Thanksgiving off made sense, perhaps a better goal is to lobby the university to find a way to at least give students Columbus Day and Presidents Day off. If the mail isn't delivered, we shouldn't be in class at a public institution.
The noon indicator ÷ the recording of "Bear Down" from the Administration building ÷ should be changed to either a straight 12-chime series or to an updated recording of the fight song, instruments only. The singing is overkill and has the potential to evoke anti-school spirit.
Aaron Okin is a regional development and political science junior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu..
Trust me, I could do it better
It seems to me that some things just make sense, and you don't have to have a political science degree or be named J.P. to pretend to know it.
Thus, my own platform for the 2004-2005 ASUA presidential campaign:
What we need first and foremost is a gondola service. This will serve the student body in lieu of the pitiable attempt at a rainwater drainage system that the university has yet to make. On rainy days, students will no longer have to fear losing their sandals and/or lives to the fierce currents along roads and sidewalks. Instead, they will get to class with dry pants, smiles on their faces, and ÷ if the gondola operators are native Venetians, as I frequently envision ÷ a deeper insight into Italian culture.
Raised walkways must be erected throughout campus so that tour groups can view current students and faculty without spoiling their natural habitat. That will involve a massive, campuswide upheaval of that habitat by bulldozers and construction, but only for a very short period of six full years. After that, it will again be as pristine an environment as possible ÷ aside from the construction of a nuclear power plant on the east end of the Mall, which will begin in 2007.
I will push to add an intelligent reading class to the general education requirements. It will teach how to understand basic arguments, how to follow logical and sequential connections and how to detect bias, private agendas, sarcasm and satire. Yeah.
Sabrina Noble is unofficially running for president of Des Moines, Iowa. She is a senior majoring in English and creative writing who can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu..
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Jason Poreda
Opinions Assistant
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UA wars: J.P. strikes back!
My name is J.P., and I am running for student body president. Being involved with the Residence Hall Association as a hall representative, finance director and vice president of campus affairs, then as an ASUA senator and now as a Wildcat columnist has given me a unique perspective on our beloved campus over the past five years. I am the students; I am the UA. That's right, I am coming back for the student body, baby, and nobody can stop me.
My top three points, for no reason other than that seems to be the thing to do:
Disband ASUA. Yes; I think we should start fresh to bring interest back to student government with the creation of a new one. Nobody's tried it, so who knows ÷ it might just be crazy enough to work. Hey, it worked for the United States, right?
Eliminate homework. Let's be honest ÷ everybody hates the stuff and every student's life would be better without it. I promise as student body president, I will work night and day to get this done.
Expand the cactus garden ÷ It's time to bring back the UA tradition and return the Mall to its original state, embracing the fact we are the Wild Wild West.
So vote for J.P. You don't have to be a cute blonde to know there isn't a better way to follow a J.P. than with another J.P.
Jason Poreda is a political science and communication senior and does pretend to know what's going on · often. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
Coddle the alumni and ÎExcellence'
If I were to run for ASUA president, I would take it upon myself to fight for those on this campus who can't be heard, for those whose voice is continually silenced: the alumni. I would try to focus the excellence even more than President Peter Likins has to improve the campus community and educational quality. I would run my "Even More Focused Excellence" campaign by adhering to the following platform:
Pave over the remaining wasted land area currently covered in grass ÷ commonly referred to as "the Mall" ÷ install an excessive amount of benches, and officially rename it "The Alumni Grounds."
Expand the Student Union by adding a Nordstrom, a Dillard's and an Old Navy to complement the food court and Clinique desk already in place. The union would then officially take over the name of "the Mall."
Reserve the first 15 rows of every classroom for UA alumni. After all, they do give so much of their limited money reserves to the university, and good basketball seats just aren't enough to please them. If the alumni aren't interested, just cut the availability of the classes.
Remember: "Focus the excellence" on March 3 and 4!
Brett Berry is a sarcastic regional development sophomore. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu..
This hypothetical power trip is getting to my head
As an ASUA president, one can make a difference or, at the very least, raise the matter before it's forgotten because of student apathy. With that in mind, here are the key issues I would deal with in my presidency:
So, you're at the Rec, hoping to exercise ÷ with the key word here being "hoping." That's because someone, barely working up a sweat, is on the equipment trying to look fetching for anyone who cares to notice. As president, I would employ bouncers to promptly throw out these posers who'd rather throw around come-hither looks than dumbbells.
Then there's the issue of deciphering the words of your foreign-born instructor. To that end, I propose closed-captioning devices. A projector will flash subtitles as to what he or she is actually saying. It will turn each class into an old-school kung fu movie, except not as fun.
Finally, I cannot overlook the plight of a much-discriminated group: smokers. They have been marginalized for too long. Every day, I see them exiled from the buildings that their tuition dollars help run. No longer can I stand idly by while these people are treated as second-class citizens just because they're guilty of trying nobly to help out the poor American tobacco farmer. Thus I advocate creating smoking lounges. Considering the number of smokers, just walking into one of these rooms would be enough to get your nicotine fix for the day. That would save you a few dollars to cover rising tuition, which, as ASUA president, I would have no say in whatsoever.
Susan Bonicillo is a journalism sophomore and has decided to resign as hypothetical ASUA president due to stress. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu..
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