Illustration by Arnie Bermudez

Did anyone see that show "Straight Plan for the Gay Man" on Comedy Central? I thought it was hilarious. How could you not be amused by the look on the gay man's face when the Flab Four bought him a lap dance at the strip club? I have to admit, though, that I was pretty confused by the end of the show. When they were coaching the guy on how to pick up women, they told him not to do several things that I do all the time. I probably shouldn't put too much stock in the Flab Four's suggestions, considering that it didn't sound like any of them had girlfriends. Still, I can't help but wonder if I've been doing something wrong this whole time.

Remember that "Battle of the Sexes" column we ran for Valentine's Day a few weeks ago? Believe it or not, someone actually e-mailed me. So as not to unduly invade her privacy, we'll call her Stef. Stef and I met the next week and had a great conversation. I got her phone number, called her the next day, and we had plans to go to dinner the next weekend. A few days before the date, Stef called and broke off our plans, saying she had recently gotten out of a relationship and didn't feel right about dating again so soon.

I went on with my life. I was inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her story, though my friends and I also considered other possibilities. At any rate, I didn't give the issue too much thought ÷ at least not until I saw "Straight Plan for the Gay Man."

The first thing that struck me as odd was that the Flab Four were telling their protŽgŽ to not actually listen to what the woman was saying. That was awfully surprising to me because I had always been told that women like men who were interested in them. After all, how many times have you heard a woman say, "It's like you're not even listening to me!"?

Then it occurred to me that I had been interested in what Stef was saying when I met her. It's not like it even took any effort; she was a genuinely interesting person.

The next curious thing was that they told the man not to smile. They basically told him that the only time his lips should separate is when he's speaking. I'd always thought women would appreciate a guy who was expressive, but maybe I've been misguided all these years.

Again, I realized that I had probably been smiling a lot when I was talking to Stef. I was having a good time, so it seemed natural to smile.

Then there was the part about "look in, look out." Essentially, the guy was never supposed to focus on his date. Instead, he was to be constantly glancing between her and the rest of the room, almost like he wasn't interested in her. Again, I just didn't understand. I'd always thought a guy would do best to show that he was interested in his date. When I met Stef, I was pretty attentive. I did look away every now and then, mainly because my best friend had shown up to spy on me. But overall, I focused on Stef.

The best, or at least most surprising, advice the Flab Four gave their student was about how to check out the woman. They told him that while she was talking, he should take a quick glance at her rack. He should be discreet about it, but he should also let her notice it. Then, he should let his expression indicate his level of approval.

Tim Belshe Columnist

I thought this was absurd. I'd always been under the impression that women hated that sort of thing. Stef was a pretty attractive girl, so I distinctly remember having to expend considerable self-control so as not to be rude.

Again, I'm wondering if I should really put much stock in the "advice" dribbling out of this show; but then I think of all the times I've seen girls with guys who do all these things. You'd think that after all these years of human history, someone would have written a user's guide or something. I did find something interesting in a cursory review of other cultures. It seems that in some Islamic countries, a man basically buys a wife, and the whole institution of marriage is more contractual than personal. You have to admit that there is some wisdom in that kind of simplicity.

I am certain of one thing, though: If I have to watch my best friend, Erin, make kissy faces with her boyfriend one more time before I so much as go on a date, I'm going to snap.

Believe it or not, Tim Belshe is still single. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.