Arizona Daily Wildcat Online
sections
Front Page
News
Sports
· Basketball
Opinions
· Columnists
Live Culture
GoWild
Police Beat
Datebook
Comics
Crossword
Online Crossword
Photo Spreads
Special Sections
Classifieds
The Wildcat
Letter to the Editor
Wildcat staff
Search
Archives
Job Openings
Advertising Info
Student Media
Arizona Student Media info
UATV - student TV
KAMP - student radio
The Desert Yearbook
Daily Wildcat staff alumni

News
Tucson is just not weird enough


Photo
Gabe Joselow
Staff Writer
By Gabe Joselow
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Print this

It seems like the only thing I found not to do in Tucson this week was write this column. Every time I thought I had found something really ridiculous, it turned out to be a total letdown in one way or another.

When I get stuck, I ask for suggestions; usually people suggest something like, "Why don't you go get addicted to crack?" The only problem with getting addicted to crack is that you don't have to be in Tucson to do it. I could get addicted to crack anywhere, so what's the fun in that? It's hard to find something not to do that's Tucson-specific.

Since I don't have any one particular painful event to write about, I've prepared a little montage of the things I tried to do this week. Just imagine it as a little slideshow of my life.

First, there was the weekly meeting of the Scrabble Association. I read about it in the Tucson Weekly; it happens every Thursday at the Denny's (2630 E. Valencia Road) by the airport. I figured the type of people who would assemble at a particularly sketchy location to play a board game would have some kind of story for me to tell. I was mistaken.

I was expecting a scuzzy mix of methadone addicts and senior citizens. What I found was a low-rent chess club. Sure, they're all playing a board game, but it's not like playing Mousetrap. Scrabble is actually an intelligent game and it takes a fairly sophisticated mind to play. They were good and there's nothing funny or weird about that. So it didn't work out.

Next, I decided I would go on a vision quest, a spiritual journey of sorts. I've read a lot of Carlos Castaneda, and it sounds pretty easy to do. Of course, there were two problems with this idea from the start: Castaneda was full of shit, and a good vision quest requires peyote, which I don't have. My solution was to just stay up for an entire night and fast all day; maybe something would come to me that way. I stayed up all night drinking and playing Rampage on my old Nintendo (yeah, all 128 levels).

Early the next day, I called up a friend who was interested in going on the quest, too. But you can't tag team on a vision quest! It's got to be a solo adventure. We went out into the Tucson Mountains, we found a cave, we talked about stuff, but at no point did we see anything or feel enlightened. I mean, seriously, what did I expect to happen? Did I think I would see my spirit animal and chase it to the brink of insanity only to return a shell of my former self? Of course that didn't happen. Instead, we just got really hungry and went to Waffle House.

At that point, I was getting kind of desperate. I saw a sign that said "Feeling Stuck?" Below it was some information about a free lecture at Bookman's by Crystal and Summer of the Natural Earth Healing Yoga Inner-Light Kung Fu Pilate Center (or some shit like that). I thought that sounded just weird enough, and if I asked enough obnoxious questions, there might be a story. Not true. Not only was the conception of this story lame, Summer and Crystal never even showed up!

I had one more chance for a story. Someone told me that there was an Indian restaurant on North First Avenue where a bunch of Hare Krishnas get together and dance around and sing and whatnot. I've stayed away from religious events thus far in the column, but this was a last- ditch effort to get any kind of story. There was also, supposedly, a $3 buffet after the Hares finish their thing. The only problem was I couldn't find an Indian restaurant anywhere on First, let alone any dudes dressed up in robes and flowers.

So, after all the time I wasted, I decided to waste just a little bit of yours. Once again, I apologize for not producing a column of the caliber that you should expect from the Wildcat these days. But you know what? It's almost spring break, so just chill out and when you get back, I'll tell you all about my new addiction to crack.



Write a Letter to the Editor
articles
Alvin Ailey integrates dance and culture
divider
Metallica's Hammett a true star
divider
A jazz week that would make Dizzy proud
divider
Citrus squeezes in musical flavor
divider
Unicorns bring the one-horned pop
divider
ÎTrade Center' band breaks up, writes album, tours
divider
Tucson is just not weird enough
divider
There is such thing as a free lunch
divider
ÎHidalgo' OK, but lacks hobbit co-stars
divider
Music Reviews
divider
Tucson and Campus Calendar
divider
Restaurant and Bar guide
Search for:
advanced search Archives
CAMPUS NEWS | SPORTS | OPINIONS
CLASSIFIEDS | ARCHIVES | CONTACT US | SEARCH


Webmaster - webmaster@wildcat.arizona.edu
© Copyright 2003 - The Arizona Daily Wildcat - Arizona Student Media