Illustration by Arnie Bermudez

Okay, so it's understood there are a lot of new people on campus, what with it being a new year and all. That means a lot of people don't understand how the student union works, and it's not just the new folk either; clearly, plenty of those coming back to the campus need a refresher course in basic student union etiquette. So, in response to student demand and an obvious need, I present some basic tips for happy dining:

Proper Table Usage ÷ If no one's noticed yet, the union has far too few tables to meet the demand, particularly during prime lunchtime. This makes seating a precious and much sought-after commodity. Under no circumstances is one to pass up an open table from the hours of noon to 2 p.m., even if the table is incredibly filthy. One makes do. However, there is such a thing as improper table usage. Sitting alone at a four-person table, idly reading, oblivious to rush hour chaos, is a gross violation of union etiquette (even if you're reading the Wildcat). So is using a chair as a backpack rest, a footstool, or an obstacle to all passersby. People need to eat. For the love of all that is good, share a chair.

Sabrina Noble Contributing Writer

Cellular Phones ÷ Yes, we all like to keep in touch with friends, family and significant others. And yet, there are more appropriate places to chat than in a major entrance or hallway. How can you tell if you're an inconvenience to others? Well, this is of course subjective, but if 50 people seem to need to walk through the exact spot in which you're standing, chances are good that it's time to relocate. As for attempting to mark friends' current coordinates via phone, perhaps it's a better idea to meet elsewhere prior to entering the madness that is the union.

Congregating ÷ Okay, so you've found your friends and you're choosing a line to stand in, or perhaps searching for an aforementioned table. Congratulations, you are well on your way to success. Moving as a herd is essential so that no one is lost. However, amassing in an entrance or in the center of a hallway is like lying in the middle of the highway: Not only will traffic back up, but someone is likely to be injured, if not killed. This problem is only compounded by the fact that students push to get through. How can they not? Many are rushing to get a bite to eat before class starts in 10 minutes and, in this rough and tumble world, only the fittest survive. So stay clear. Hug the walls if you must.

Doors ÷ Though it initially seems like a simple concept, observation has proven that few students understand the mechanics of the double door. I'd like to clarify its proper use. Whether you are standing inside or outside of the union, if there are two doors in front of you, the door on the right is the one you should use. When there are many people going in and out, both doors should be used simultaneously. If, while entering or exiting the union, you should at any point realize that you're using the left side of a double door, a warning should go off immediately in your head. This is bad, very bad. Worse, however, are those students who wait at a doorway for a pause in oncoming traffic because they are for some inexplicable and imaginary reason unable to open their own door. Meanwhile, angry students are piling up behind them, and still they refuse to utilize a perfectly useful door, as if the sheer effort of opening it is just too much. How tragic that so many people should be able to see their destination, only to find themselves separated from it by a plate of glass that they could have moved the entire time. Do not be fooled: rest assured that both doors of any major entrance are always unlocked and fully functional. Not only are they always there for you, but their use is actually encouraged. It's pretty nifty, I know.

So the next time you are in the student union, try to keep these humble tips in mind, and if you see someone struggling, lend them a few words of encouragement. You never know, your awareness and quick response time could save a life, or at least 10 minutes.

Sabrina Noble is an English and creative writing senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.