Illustration by Arnie Bermudez

For those of you who don't have calendars, spring has officially arrived here at the UA: The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the students are eager to take advantage of the warm weather - by that, I mean they are ready to take off their heavy winter clothes. The skimpier the clothing, the more popular it is.

What better way is there for you girls to show off your hot, spring-break tans than to wear your tightest-fitting clothes to class? You can turn heads as your walk between classes becomes your own personal fashion show. Unfortunately, we males don't get the same opportunities as you girls do to exploit our own bodily features.

The most we guys can do to attract attention to ourselves would be to go play shirtless Frisbee on the Mall or wear a tight shirt to the Student Recreation Center, mixing in the occasional fake-check-of-the-watch as an excuse to flex our biceps for the hot girl walking by.

But, by doing this, we guys just look like asses. It just doesn't work as easily for us as it does for you girls.

Brett Berry Columnist

We just don't have the same social ability and acceptance to demean ourselves as you girls do. An attractive female can flaunt her body everywhere.

For those of you girls who are exceptionally attractive, you are given an even larger stage to flaunt your bodies to the ogling public by becoming a College Calendar Girl of Arizona.

As many of you have probably noted, there have been advertisements in the Wildcat looking for some hot UA girls to apply to be in the 2005 Girls of Arizona calendar. If chosen as a finalist, a girl gets paid $300 for her photo shoot; if chosen for the cover, she gets an additional $200.

Wow! I think anyone would love to take $500 simply for exploiting her body. I mean, who needs modesty when you can get cash? After all, according to the ad, the shoots are "tasteful and still sexy ... a benefit for all women involved."

So, those feminazis who would claim that such an action would be an indignity to the female sex could be silenced. I mean, I think using your body's curves to get what you want is a form of female empowerment. How else can you explain the power that you have over men?

But in the spirit of equality of the sexes, and equality of all people in general, shouldn't more people be allowed to pose in such calendars?

There should be a 2005 Men of Arizona calendar. That way, the other half of the population could use its bodies to get some cash, too. I know guys aren't quite as nice to look at as young ladies, but what's fair is fair.

I'm sure there would be plenty of girls out there who would love to buy such a calendar to hang on their dorm room walls - and, judging from some of my gay friends, there would also be plenty of guys willing to purchase such a calendar. The men and women would then have a more equal chance to exploit what their mamas gave them.

Besides, what a great way for the male students at the UA to raise a little money for rent - or to raise money for anything, for that matter.

Wait. That gives me an idea. I've got a simple solution to the budget crises that are being faced on campus: calendars! Imagine it. There could be an entire line of these sexy calendars to raise money for the university.

With the library facing such egregious budget cuts next year, the librarians could take matters into their own hands by selling their own calendar: the 2005 Librarians of Arizona.

How hot is that? Those calendars would fly off the shelves.

And what about this: Instead of raising tuition or eliminating entire schools and departments to generate more revenue for the university, release the 2005 All-Bikini Arizona Board of Regents calendar! Who wouldn't pay plenty of money to see President Peter Likins playing on a beach in a pink two-piece with a small dog tugging at his suit a la the classic Coppertone ads?

I mean, it wouldn't be demeaning to the regents because the shoots would be "tasteful and still sexy." And that way, we could all see some financial benefits from sexual exploitation on campus.

Brett Berry is a regional development sophomore who wouldn't mind being the towel boy for the Girls of Arizona photo shoots. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.